Processed Food Skeptic Gifts

"After this long list of additives it lists the expiration date. Does that pertain to the product of the person who eats it?"

"He says that when he had a vegetable salad as an appetizer, he can now have burgers, pizza and Coke as a reward."

Fountain of Youth/Fountain of Bacon

I used to eat plenty of natural foods, but then I found out that most people die of natural causes.

"I'd hold off on the peking duck another five minutes...the show's almost over."

Gullib-Os

'Apparently the nutrients and the additives cancel each other out.'

'Your drug tests show no signs of illegal substances, but they do show a huge amount of artificial colorings and preservatives.'

'I'm death for goodness sake - why do I have to adopt a more healthy lifestyle?'

"I don't usually like green food, but that looks pretty good."

"Here there is all the bacon, pizza and beer you could desire. But do not eat from the Tree of Tofu lest you should lose paradise."

'And since this product consists of 100% artificial ingredients, we can truthfully say it's vegan!'

"I enjoy eating healthy – I just don’t like the food."

"I guess that pretty well debunks the fruits and vegetables are good for you myth."

'Eating several servings of vegetables everyday is very good, as long as they aren't just pizza toppings.'

Grocery Store - Warning: Contents may be hazardous to your health

"So here we are...the great outdoors!"

'Organically-grown popcorn? Give me a break!'

"Is this because I didn’t eat my kale?"

"Can I substitute saltwater taffy for the five servings of seafood?"

"If this food is healthy, then what about the rest of the store?"

"What's healthy about breakfast cereals?"

"We used to think sugar and spice were all things nice - until that was proved to be a lie put out by global food manufacturers."

'Boy! Did I get some bad news today! I found out french fries is a veg'table!'

"All right, let's admit genetically-modified foods will have an effect on people. It's fifty-fifty it'll be a good effect."

The It Tastes Like Cr*p Because Its Healthy Cafe

Studies show some foods work miracles/study says studies are a crock.

"First the good news, there's no longer any point in you eating broccoli."

"And who's been eating my genetically modified porridge?"

"Apparently, some of the additives cause a nerve disorder, but others cure it."

'How do we bake such delicious large muffins that have only 50 calories? False advertising.'

"Well you did say you wanted something gluten, sugar, fat, additives and calorie free."

"Sure doc, I can eat healthy tasteless food and exercise until my lungs implode. Or, you can just inject some drain cleaner into my eyeball and save us both a lot of time and trouble."

Truth in Labeling: 'Snouts, lips, jowls, cheeks and viscera enclosed in intestine and served on a bun, Mustard optional.'

"Everything is fat-free. So why am I still fat?"