Processed Food Enthusiast Gifts

"He works in our processed foods division."

'To her, the four basic food groups are: canned, frozen, fast and delivered.'

"And I'll also take my steak raw thank you."

Raw food, after you leave for work.

"We won!"

"I feel like we are the polyester of dairy products."

Vending machines with junk food: 'Zing!', 'Zoom!' and 'Crash!'

"Mom lets me eat my fill of junk food as long as I can pronounce all the chemical ingredients."

'How can he be depressed when all he eats are Happy Meals?'

Fountain of Youth/Fountain of Bacon

As I say, local produce, locally produced; all our meats tonight come form our local meat processing plant.

"I'm searching for a happy medium between sitting on a mountain top and eating cheese fries."

Empty Calories Vending Machine.

"And what would the, Truth-in-Advertising tribunal, want to speak to old Rudy about?"

Supermarket Aisles: 'Good for the Environment' and 'Couldn't give a flying F@$#! about the environment!'

"You know, it really wasn’t that bad."

'Well, they're just like your mom's cookies if your mom is a 35 ton, multi-unit dough extruder.'

'Your drug tests show no signs of illegal substances, but they do show a huge amount of artificial colorings and preservatives.'

"I could easily change to a healthier lifestyle, but then I'd live longer and be a burden on my loved ones in my old age."

"Do you have to put tomato sauce on everything?"

"How almond milk is made"

What's really in junk food...

"Up here everything is pretty much opposite."

'What a relief to find out that fewer calories don't add up to longevity.'

Overloaded on Junk Food.

"I'm using this travel site to map out a trip to the land of Everything's Deep Fat Fried."

'Don't be tempted, Mrs. Root, just mail those apple fritters right here to me!'

"So here we are...the great outdoors!"

'My wife's idea of the four basic food groups is canned, frozen, freeze-dried and carry-out.'

'I pushed the popcorn button but there isn't any in there.'

Chip wagon oil change.

'Double cheeseburger, large drink, fries, apple pie, chocolate sundae and an antacid, please.'

'If we didn't live so long we wouldn't eat so much!'

"I just thought maybe we should consider letting ourselves go now instead of waiting a few years into our marriage."

'Not only do you get out of cooking tonight, but you found a place with a lazy chef too.'