Processed Food Critic Gifts

'Apparently it's not suitable for the elderly or children...'

'I'm from P.E.T.A.. Are you the one who called about animal-rights abuses?'

"Bob takes everything with a grain of salt...and pepper...and garlic..."

The Official Covid-19 Diet

"I'm putting you on a beef diet. Nothing beef for breakfast, nothing beef for lunch, nothing beef for tea, nothing beef for..."

Fountain of Youth/Fountain of Bacon

"Look out, Luke Grasswalker! Irascibility leads to the dark side of the force. . . right into a hamburger bun."

"For the first half hour, I was, like, really there. Enchanted. But I found the wild-quail confit so disappointing that not even the fig reduction on the poached pear could get me back."

'The Specials are the same as the Main Menu dishes, but with more florid descriptions.'

'We've conducted a chemical analysis of the beef in hot dogs, and we've determined, Mr Ruth, you are guilty of steroid enhancement.'

'Waiter, I think my wife's calamari is underdone.'

Heart Disease Menu

'Come on, eat your spinach.' -' Sorry, I'm on a special diet...No toxic waste.'

"Lumpy? Of course it's lumpy! Sweetbread soup is meant to be lumpy."

"They're doing wonderful things with food I hate."

'Your drug tests show no signs of illegal substances, but they do show a huge amount of artificial colorings and preservatives.'

"Everywhere you look, there's a rate hike."

'There's nothing good to eat!'

'Bananas! Once you've skinned them and removed the bone, there's nothing left.'

"So here we are...the great outdoors!"

"The Garlic Escargot Velouté...would you like that in the traditional tureen, or supersized in a bucket?"

"Who gets the Chateaubriand with the mail-in rebate?"

So what's your back story? What do you do? Marketing. Downtown. House of Java.net Cybercafe. I'm an investor in The Infant Restaurant Critic. Heard of it? A baby goes to a restaurants and cafes and tried their food. If he likes it, the eatery gets a glowing online review. If not, curtains! I'm an investor. I'm on the ground floor! Did you only ask about me so you could then talk about yourself? I hear you. You're asking about me. Don't know what's worse: Men, high-tech investors, or the combinat

'You're too fussy - the coffee isn't THAT bad!'

'When I said you should complain about your steak I didn't mean whining about it on twitter.'

"It's a game changer. . . carrots and hummous batons but we've managed to make them out of sugar."

Maybe you would have less of a problem with flies in your soup if you didn't have landing strips attached to your bowls.

'If only you would let me cover this Tofu-vegetables stuff with ketchup, it would at least LOOK like real food...'

Fresh Fish

"Do you mind if I give you feedback?"

Master Chef

'Do you want a fright with that?'

'Did monsieur enjoy the meal?' - 'I could get more nourishment biting my lip.'

And this is one we made earlier.

"Waiter! There's something in my soup!"