Problem-solving Parent Pillows

"I'm too old for a baby-sitter. How about hanging a portrait with the eyes that always seem to look at you?"

'Hey, Max... Want me to show you how to make water balloons?'

"Unfortunately, your son swallowed a great deal of industrial adhesive. But don't worry: Epoxy can be cured."

Suffering from Cooties?

Human Behavior Institute. Out Experiencing Lunch.

We're looking for someone who knows how to adapt, not adopt.

'Of course I put my kids first! Look at how much I pay the nanny!!'

'Save us!'

Baby has used blocks to spell out 'SO VERY BORED'.

'Honey, what's wrong?! Why are you crying?'

What can I play?

"Yeah, he's very like his father isn't he?"

'I changed my mind...I'm not thirsty anymore.'

'These are very powerful tranquilizers for when your teen has he horrific tantrums. Take two of them anytime she flares up.'

"If they give you any trouble, find a good babysitter and go out for the evening."

'To be honest I only became a vicar to get my children into the C of E school.'

"Wasn't it your turn to drop him to online school?!"

'I kinda did.'

'I know Jesus spoke in parables. Now for the last time, tell me exactly where you put my car keys.'

'Sorry dad - it won't happen again,'

Daughter/psychiatrist

You've got to help me, Em. Sure. My mom's hot on this strict, Chinese-style parenting. Welcome to my world. Tell her that your parents aren't pushing you to be a doctor. Sure. They gave up on that. They'll settle for Harvard law school. That's too much information.

We're very disappointed. We thought the nanny had raised you better than this.

"I'm sorry madam but we don't make them go missing."

"Don't worry, it gets easier when they're 35."

"OK, honey, if I make this one, we blow off Delia's recital."

Bedtime Story

Planned Parenthood: 'What do you mean, you want an unexpected pregnancy leave?'

young mother with a baby being bombarded by advice on parenting from older mothers

Parenting Wonks

'Sleeping like a baby'

'The only thing we have in common anymore is the kids are driving us both nuts!'

"I couldn't find a sitter."

"We shouldn't have had so many kids. Now they all want computers and phones."

"If you had only listened to me when you were six and not eaten that dirt."