Probation Officers Gifts

Big Society, the universal sticking plaster

"Just give me your wallet. Trust me, you do not want to deal with my misplaced sense of entitlement."

' It's a bit of an anti climax - I've washed it but I can't go any where ! '

"I don't have my law degree yet but I've got an internship down in cell block 'D'."

Minority Report

'Who was the murderer? Well Watson, that's the killer question.'

Marv was trying to teach Rufus how to be a REAL retriever.

"Another reckless baby driver! I'd arrest the whole lot of them if they weren't so damn cute."

"After the judicial system, I'm my own harshest critic."

"Guess who figured how to call 911!"

"Pregnant!... How did that happen? We took precautions, like not having sex!"

'My client has required the services of countless law enforcement, court, penal and probation personnel. He's not a menace...he's a jobs creator!'

Madoff and devil.

"Sorry, we first have to do a background check."

Yoga Sequence to Avoid

'Noah, before you leave we'd like to have a word with you!'

"I got probation."

'It's my mother. She wants to talk to you.'

'Apparently my DNA had guilt written all over it.'

"Cops don't get me. Sure, they got me – but they'll ever get me."

HM Prison chapel, "try to think of the lord as a 24 hour video surveillance system gathering pictures for the ultimate crimewatch"

Prisoner Crossing

'These are Martha's Camp Cupcake Muffins - and I've just ordered her new apron from the prison gift shop.'

'Looks like the latest crime figures have been stolen.'

'Other than the fact that you were a trustee at the county jail, do you have any other character references?'

'She's promised to wait for me but I only hope her memory isn't what it was!'

To Get Pardoned by Trump, Become a Celeb

Visitation Day at the Bug Jar

'I will not have the species card played in my courtroom, Counselor.'

"From where I'm sitting, ha-ha, you're behind bars!"

'...and as a consequence, you lot all redundant. I'm not making it up.'

Exposed and imprisoned.

'The chechako sparged rhamnose into his yerba.'

Locking Up Crime

A convict escaping during the press scrum