Private Education Gifts

"This is my last day. My parents found a more expensive school on the East Side."

'Who's this 'Art in Heaven' guy you keep talking about?'

Yummy Mummies

"Hey, …. what's not to like?"

"I thought your show-and-tell was really brave."

'Get up and put your house slippers on! - You'll be late for home school!'

"Kind words help the dairy cow produce good milk. They go in one ear and out the udder."

"I'd put his name down for Eton if I could spell it!"

'It's a private school. Can't say which one, it's private.'

'Business was slow, slower than a fat tortoise with a limp. The phone hadn't rung for so long I thought it must be out of order. The new competition was good, very good. Who was this 'Google' guy?'

Private School Interview - 'How much do your parents weigh?'

"My mom got it on. She said you'd get it off."

'Mom, am I store-bought or homemade?'

"Rose wants to bring up the child on her own."

Kid to mom: 'How come I ask so many questions?'

"Peter and I spent the summer re-wilding the children."

"Today we practiced counting to five, and the teacher practiced counting to ten."

"Son, we didn't spend a fortune on your education so you can 'just be yourself.'"

Learjet

"Harris here is looking after children's accounts."

"I mistakenly stood in the doorway when kids sunday school released."

"...I'll sit here pretending to be interested but I'll actually be writing a shopping list and fantasising about my plumber!"

Mum and Dad had a hell of a job getting me into this school.

"The university is delighted with the endowment but is there any flexibility over calling it the 'who's the rich one now you toffee nosed bastards' wing?"

'I'll take the case,' I said. Or did I? I fear I'm no longer able to differentiate between interior and exterior monologue.'

"How our teacher, under my surveillance, spent her summer vacation..."

"See Dick text. Text, Dick. Text."

Crowded Schools

'I can't make it tonight. I have to attend my mother's lecture series on responsibility.'

'Mommy and Daddy have taken care of the high cost of private school tuition. The rest is up to you.'

'If you're rich enough to send me to a fancy, private college, why do I have to go?'

Home Schooling: "And this is what we call the 'washing machine'."

"We homeschool."

'I don't have to go to school. My mom teachers me.'

"And mid-morning we have a lovely break for milk and gingerbread cookies."