Pretentious Book Critic Gifts

"I know it's a foreign book...but I'm reading it with a local accent."

Ed Flanders, Deconstruction Worker

'Look! The new long awaited, highly anticipated but ultimately disappointing novel by that guy you like.'

All Harold's aptitude test showed is that he had an aptitude for taking tests.

"I like his earlier work better, particularly the ones I said I didn't like at the time."

"Moby Richard by Herman Melville" "Wonderful! Not sure about the title—let's discuss editor."

'Right so lets be clear, when you said my book was a turgid reworking of a sad collection of hackneyed ideas you actually meant that it was a groundbreaking work of originality and genius...'

"Be careful of that sun, Stewart. You're starting to look like the front page of the 'Times Book Review.'"

"This is one of her more important paintings from her early period."

"It's a great story, funny and entertaining - and better still it's not won a single prize for literature."

"You notice all the books behind me...one of these days I'll get around to read one."

'The end. Well, time for bed. What are you writing?'

"Their bookshelves look more convincingly read from than ours."

"I feel bad about Nora Ephron's neck."

"What I really want to do is chew up children’s books."

"I wouldn't read that book, dear... it's only there to impress visitors."

"With one hand I'm reading the past decade's most critically acclaimed novel. With my other hand I'm searching for enough negative reviews to justify my decision to abandon it."

'Read any good book reviews lately?'

"Take away his brilliant prose, and he's just some depressed guy."

"Frankly, I don't believe his tastevin is in the repair shop."

Collected Works of F. Scott Fitzgerald. Listen to this ... In "the Last Tycoon" F. Scott Fitzgerald observed that there are no second acts in American lives. In my case, either he was right about that or this is a very long intermission!

"Believe me, there are no critics under your bed."

"Your husband is critical."

"Dumb it down or sex it up."

"I'm doing a Kickstopper project!" "What?" "I was going to write a book... but do we really need another book in this world? So... Kickstopper—people donate money to stop me from writing. I won't write it so I'll never ask you to read it. I'd pay money to not read your book. Thanks." "You're welcome." "I'm also starting projects to not start a band, not write poetry and not tell you about my dreams."

'I should know who he is! His work is in every gallery I go into.'

'Your hair is messy,stand up straight. You look unkempt.'

"Does this book come with directors commentary?"

"I was a best seller! I sold millions of copies! Now look at me, a glorified coaster."

'It was better than the book.'

"In my spare time, I write reviews on Goodreads."

Book Review Translator

'I hate these literary parties. All everyone does is sit around and complain about their publishers. Take mine for instance ...'

"Our only hope is that the book gets banned."

'If looks could sue, eh, Walt?'