Precarious Project Planner Gifts

"It's the first responders wondering when you'll be needing their services this weekend..."

"Yeah, but that one's a little bit hard to reach."

'I work two jobs and have three kids. At the end of the day I am exhausted. Do you have anything that is not sexy and just smells good.'

"I thought you were making a coffee table?"

God's Subcontractors

Great works I plan to complete during the lockdown.

"Remember now, anything is DIY-abe if you just do it yourself."

'Roger's busy making a cat-flap in the kitchen.'

"The problem with these instructions is that they assume I have the attention span to actually read something."

D.I.Y with dad.

Waiting for retirement.

"You pulled most of the muscles in your back lifting your to-do list? You've got a bigger problem than pulled muscles."

'I'd like to leave my pacemaker to the medical institute, my artificial lung to the research center, my false teeth to the dental clinic, my dacron arteries...'

Lawyer's secretary has in boxes labeled: Before the Fact and After the Fact.

'Wait a minute -- you haven't said anything about a retirement age.'

Workers are running out of one door labeled 'Reactive Business Intelligence,' while another worker in the next room sits calmly behind a door with a sign that reads, 'Proactive Business Intelligence.'

'Uh oh. I can see another few hundred will be added to your bid.'

'We're waiting for an estimate that doesn't make him do that.'

A wiser and a better man

"I'd love to sit down and discuss my project with you some time. Let me check my calendar and I'll get back to you."

"I know it looks fine, but let's get an engineer's report and a termite inspection just to be on the safe side."

The Best Laid Plans

"Ok Mr. Bisley, I'll admit it does need a bit of renovation..!"

'Dad, perhaps the fan should suck instead of blow?'

'My hubby is getting better at D.I.Y. . . . Oh yes, he now spends more on screws than plasters.'

"Right before I die I'm going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels."

Clear construction agreements are important.

We thought we'd put in the detail later.

Biblical Procurement Tales: Project Ark.

For 29 years, Bert's strategy had been to reach retirement without making any waves,missteps or career-limiting moves. And it might have worked, too, if only he'd foreseen the fossilization risk.

'Of course, that bid's just an estimate.'

"What if you go under before I need to?"

"I didn't waste lockdown. I did my own facelift."