Portfolio Assessment T-Shirts

"Constant vigilance, regular trimming."

Phrenology bust with sections for different currencies.

"The way he stacks those blocks, I see repression, some hostility, and a lot of dissatisfaction with his place in society."

"O.K. he's a billionaire, but how much of it is in cash?"

"Ed and Helen's portfolio rose 3 point today on Dave's purchase of 100 shares..."

Hedge Fund: Our 'Swaps' which mimic stocks, were voted #1 derivative of the year!

Woman at a desk with in out boxes marked Market Up Market Down.

'Believe me dad. I'm on the school math team. If your investments declined 50 then increased 50 you did not break even.'

'Why do I get the impression that my 401(k) isn't performing well.'

'I was just beginning to think about my portfolio. Now you're telling me to rethink it.'

'Wake up! You should be worrying about our investments!'

'Hi, I'm the ghost of your past, present and future stock portfolio!'

'We were in the right place at the right time but, unfortunately, we were in the wrong time zone.'

'Diversify, diversify, diversify. Never keep all your eggs in one basket, unless it's Easter.'

'Before we found you, we were just squeaking by.'

"That was a rumor day."

'Was it Nietzsche who said, whatever doesn't kill your portfolio makes it stronger?'

Investor alternates between hating and loving gold, depending on the stock market's performance.

'I sure wish there was a formula for picking the right mutual fund!'

Have you seen my money?

'Are you looking for something in light blue, or dark blue, chips?'

Financial Advisor to client: 'Your portfolio still could earn money if you believe in the existence of junk bond elves.'

Guess your net worth, only 25 cents.

'I see you've renamed your portfolios Moe, Larry and Curley.'

'That's much better.'

"I'm adding some safe-haven assets to your portfolio...gold and Ozempic."

'Before we get started, I would like to thank our stockholder for coming tonight...'

"I've been too busy investing my enormous salary to be bothered running the company."

'Every time I break one of my investment rules, I put $10 in the mistake jar. As of today, it's worth more than my portfolio.'

Buy on the dip, ignore the blip, and sell before the bubble bursts.

"Forget keeping all your eggs in one basket. What you need is a nest egg..."

Acme Financial Management - Risking other people's money since 1927.

'You need to alter your portfolio allocation. Right now it's 25% stocks, 15% bonds and 60% margin loans.'

Common stock, Preferred stock, Private stock.

"We at U.T.M. Investments specialize in conservative investments. After all, our initials stand for 'Under The Mattress.' "