Pooch Planner Gifts

Things to do: 1. Sit 2. Stay 3. Sit 4. Stay

Dogs

"He's got no idea how to run a Husky team."

"Hello? Is that the canine help line?...."

'This is way better than a litter box.'

Babies.

'Well, back to the old drawing board.'

'Max and I have a give and take relationship. He sniffs my butt...and I let him.'

"Thank goodness for pet doors because the alarm on my piddle clock was about to ring on the rug."

"Cat park"

'I had no idea there were so many types of dog treats.'

"I'm going to need more minutes. I'm texting for two now!"

'I'm ready! You ready?...You ready?'

'...and notice how they like playing with string.'

"And your baskets include dead crickets, old socks, mice guts and toilet water."

'I want a dog who will fetch my things, so don't sell me one that drools.'

"Great - Now what would be the second thing you'd do if you had opposable thumbs?"

Dog Park. Ernie, let me help you navigate the dog park safely. Thanks. Never ask the dalmatian if you can play "Connect the Dots." Don't discuss international politics with the Siberian Husky, or make jokes around the Greyhound. The Saint Bernard does not find it funny if you ask for his blessing. And most importantly, unless you schedule is clear for a week ... yeah? Don't say "yes" when the Lab asks you to play with that ball with him!

'I don't care if top breeders do recommend it - I am not going to eat dog food!'

"There's nothing like dog-walking for making new friends...."

Jasper wasn't used to dealing with snowstorms before winter, let alone before Halloween...

'Oh no, they're back!'

'To make a long story short, your biological clock has jet lag.'

Dr. Mary G. Wells Obstetrician. Open Labor Days.

"Once I finish obedience school, I plan to stray around Europe for a year."

It's time to treat your dog to Le Bon Chien.

"Yes, he’s very excited to meet your Fifi."

"Okay, the first rule of rolling in s***e club is no one talks about rolling in s***e club."

"I borrowed it from my neighbor, he's a big tennis guy."

No caption. (Baby decides which bottle to choose from a rack in a basement. The rack looks very much like a wine rack.)

Ask Sadie. My wife and I are getting a puppy soon. Any training tips? - Jay and Emily, Charlotte, NC. Sent from my iPad. Oh yes. A tip: Have him poop on your @#$% iPad, you high-tech boobs! Irrelevant and gratuitous. Sent from my lungs. You need the toothbrush app.

'I take it your romantic dinner isn't going well. . .'

"They know me here."

Family looking to buy a dog.

"When the time is right I intend to lead a canine revolution that will bring about a new world order. Until then I'm just hanging around acting cute."