Pet Planner Gifts

'Well, back to the old drawing board.'

Family looking to buy a dog.

Things to do: 1. Sit 2. Stay 3. Sit 4. Stay

"Blow out the candles!" "Make a wish!" "I wish I had my testicles back."

"I was almost that last year."

Dogs

"He's got no idea how to run a Husky team."

"Hello? Is that the canine help line?...."

Christmas Pets

'This is way better than a litter box.'

"O.K., O.K., here's 'Lassie, Come Home' again! Now are you happy?"

"Thank goodness for pet doors because the alarm on my piddle clock was about to ring on the rug."

"Cat park"

'I want a dog who will fetch my things, so don't sell me one that drools.'

'...and notice how they like playing with string.'

"Great - Now what would be the second thing you'd do if you had opposable thumbs?"

"That's the last time I invite the boys round..."

'So much for the will! Now, before you start celebrating, I suggest you think about inheritance taxes, because, according to my calculations, you will be left with. . ."

'What does he mean, we're not on the list?'

I'm building a new house here. To my owner over there it's a "pet project." Of course to me, it's just "a project."

"You're the on who said we couldn't afford to send him to obedience classes!"

Too cute for comfort.

'Halloween. Why should cats have all the fun?'

Jasper wasn't used to dealing with snowstorms before winter, let alone before Halloween...

'I don't care if top breeders do recommend it - I am not going to eat dog food!'

It's time to treat your dog to Le Bon Chien.

"We're having cocktails, you should come by!"

"Once I finish obedience school, I plan to stray around Europe for a year."

'Well, we'd better call my mother and see if it's okay to leave him....

"Let's just hope the cat doesn't have anymore kittens."

Ask Sadie. My wife and I are getting a puppy soon. Any training tips? - Jay and Emily, Charlotte, NC. Sent from my iPad. Oh yes. A tip: Have him poop on your @#$% iPad, you high-tech boobs! Irrelevant and gratuitous. Sent from my lungs. You need the toothbrush app.

"The Lawsons got new furniture. They're having a 'Help Scratch It Up' party."

"They know me here."

Pet owner to pets in chair: 'We need to come up with some kind of time-sharing system.'

"I don't recognize the face. Mind if I sniff you?"