Pet Paradise Planner Gifts

'This is way better than a litter box.'

Things to do: 1. Sit 2. Stay 3. Sit 4. Stay

"I was almost that last year."

"Blow out the candles!" "Make a wish!" "I wish I had my testicles back."

"Hello? Is that the canine help line?...."

Christmas Pets

I don't think we can survive here. There's little chance we can afford the taxes.

'Well, back to the old drawing board.'

"Cat park"

"Thank goodness for pet doors because the alarm on my piddle clock was about to ring on the rug."

'...and notice how they like playing with string.'

"And your baskets include dead crickets, old socks, mice guts and toilet water."

'I want a dog who will fetch my things, so don't sell me one that drools.'

"Great - Now what would be the second thing you'd do if you had opposable thumbs?"

'So much for the will! Now, before you start celebrating, I suggest you think about inheritance taxes, because, according to my calculations, you will be left with. . ."

'What does he mean, we're not on the list?'

Dog Park. Ernie, let me help you navigate the dog park safely. Thanks. Never ask the dalmatian if you can play "Connect the Dots." Don't discuss international politics with the Siberian Husky, or make jokes around the Greyhound. The Saint Bernard does not find it funny if you ask for his blessing. And most importantly, unless you schedule is clear for a week ... yeah? Don't say "yes" when the Lab asks you to play with that ball with him!

'Are you here, Alfred?'

I'm building a new house here. To my owner over there it's a "pet project." Of course to me, it's just "a project."

Too cute for comfort.

"There's nothing like dog-walking for making new friends...."

Jasper wasn't used to dealing with snowstorms before winter, let alone before Halloween...

'Halloween. Why should cats have all the fun?'

"Every day I'd sit at my desk and picture myself on a beach in Hawaii. So now that I'm here it just reminds me of the office."

"No chardonnay? And you call this heaven?"

"Once I finish obedience school, I plan to stray around Europe for a year."

"The brochure said escape to Tahiti, so here I am."

"I wish we hadn't voted for this now"

"Okay, the first rule of rolling in s***e club is no one talks about rolling in s***e club."

"I borrowed it from my neighbor, he's a big tennis guy."

'Well, we'd better call my mother and see if it's okay to leave him....

Ask Sadie. My wife and I are getting a puppy soon. Any training tips? - Jay and Emily, Charlotte, NC. Sent from my iPad. Oh yes. A tip: Have him poop on your @#$% iPad, you high-tech boobs! Irrelevant and gratuitous. Sent from my lungs. You need the toothbrush app.

Doggie Heaven

Pet owner to pets in chair: 'We need to come up with some kind of time-sharing system.'

Family looking to buy a dog.