Pollsters Gifts

'Our next question: is the world a safer place than it was a year ago?'

"Hot off the wire! In the latest poll, 99% of voters say they will be glad when the election is over... The poll has an error rate of plus or minus 2%."

"Look, I watched bush for his first hundred days and now I'm trying to take a nap, O.K."

'And according to a new poll, baseball and apple pie have now been replaced by facebook and taco bell.'

"Well, this isn't good. Even our tribalism is becoming polarized."

'I'd say he's 10 percent 'pet' and 90 percent 'Lord and Master of All He Surveys'.'

'Kroft, Kroft, Kroft...to thine own demographic be true!'

"This just in: According to a recent poll, painkillers have replaced religion as the opiate of the masses."

"Exactly how undecided would you say you were at this precise moment?"

'Yes, it's a stupid speech, Senator, but you've got to court the stupid VOTE.'

"Do you think the 'Taliban' is: (a) a cellphone company; (b) a deodorant (c) a terrorist company

King Solomon's Pollster.

Ranked Voting in N.Y.C.

"Bob wait, let's do the survey first! Sir, on a scale of 1, poor, to 10, excellent, how would you rate our chase today?"

'Promise me you'll say Yes / No / Don't know ...'

Annual Pollsters Convention. Wow, who could've predicted such a low turnout?

'Shouldn't we be doing this online?'

'According to the latest poll, 64% of the public don't pay any attention to polls...'

'Please, Ma'am — I'm running out of paper!'

"Our intelligence shows that everybody loves us."

"If I vote my conscience, it's Sanders. If I vote my pocketbook, it's Trump. If I vote my emotions, it's Hillary. If I vote my anger, it's Cruz..."

Pickle

'Can you spare a minute, madam - I'm doing a king of all I survey.'

Desk of Public Opinion Polls has 'In' box 'Out' box and 'Undecided'.

Elections in the USA

Pollster

"We've stared at the election map for so long it's become a Magic Eye poster."

'Which scares you most - Iran, North Korea, or the alternative minimum tax?'

"I don't have any opinions, and my wife things whatever Oprah thinks,."

The US election is over.

'They're called 'numbers' -- Now we can have public opinion polls!'

'For? Against? Undecided? Uniformed? Apathetic? This is one accurate poll!'

I conduct comprehensive surveys - I ask my girlfriend.

Carl's still 51 annoyed at you for saying his opinion was statistically insignificant.

Pollsters