Polls Pillows

"87% of the 56% who completed more than 23% of the survey thought it was a complete waste of time."

'Sorry, sir, but we don't have a category for that.'

"We were hoping for something other than 'Whatever' as answers to our survey questions."

'Of course I watch television-doesn't everyone?'

'...Best of all, Mr. President, 83 of high school dropouts on welfare think you're doing an EXCELLENT job!'

'Which scares you most - Iran, North Korea, or the alternative minimum tax?'

'Kroft, Kroft, Kroft...to thine own demographic be true!'

'I KNOW the country is deeply divided!'

IPSA, MORI, Just Nosy.

"Put me down as 'past caring'."

'I'd say he's 10 percent 'pet' and 90 percent 'Lord and Master of All He Surveys'.'

"This just in: According to a recent poll, painkillers have replaced religion as the opiate of the masses."

"Exactly how undecided would you say you were at this precise moment?"

'Yes, it's a stupid speech, Senator, but you've got to court the stupid VOTE.'

"Do you think the 'Taliban' is: (a) a cellphone company; (b) a deodorant (c) a terrorist company

King Solomon's Pollster.

Ranked Voting in N.Y.C.

"Bob wait, let's do the survey first! Sir, on a scale of 1, poor, to 10, excellent, how would you rate our chase today?"

'Promise me you'll say Yes / No / Don't know ...'

'Shouldn't we be doing this online?'

'Please, Ma'am — I'm running out of paper!'

"Our intelligence shows that everybody loves us."

"If I vote my conscience, it's Sanders. If I vote my pocketbook, it's Trump. If I vote my emotions, it's Hillary. If I vote my anger, it's Cruz..."

'Can you spare a minute, madam - I'm doing a king of all I survey.'

Pollster

Elections in the USA

Desk of Public Opinion Polls has 'In' box 'Out' box and 'Undecided'.

"We've stared at the election map for so long it's become a Magic Eye poster."

"Hot off the wire! In the latest poll, 99% of voters say they will be glad when the election is over... The poll has an error rate of plus or minus 2%."

'They're called 'numbers' -- Now we can have public opinion polls!'

The US election is over.

'For? Against? Undecided? Uniformed? Apathetic? This is one accurate poll!'

Pollsters

'I know I was just here yesterday, but the courts ordered a recount.'

Carl's still 51 annoyed at you for saying his opinion was statistically insignificant.