Polling Officer Pillows

'I thought the ad was recruiting for the local polling station...'

'I'd say he's 10 percent 'pet' and 90 percent 'Lord and Master of All He Surveys'.'

"Exactly how undecided would you say you were at this precise moment?"

Elections

'Yes, it's a stupid speech, Senator, but you've got to court the stupid VOTE.'

"Do you think the 'Taliban' is: (a) a cellphone company; (b) a deodorant (c) a terrorist company

Vote: Have your photo ID ready!

Ranked Voting in N.Y.C.

King Solomon's Pollster.

"Bob wait, let's do the survey first! Sir, on a scale of 1, poor, to 10, excellent, how would you rate our chase today?"

'Promise me you'll say Yes / No / Don't know ...'

'Shouldn't we be doing this online?'

'Please, Ma'am — I'm running out of paper!'

"Our intelligence shows that everybody loves us."

"If I vote my conscience, it's Sanders. If I vote my pocketbook, it's Trump. If I vote my emotions, it's Hillary. If I vote my anger, it's Cruz..."

"So you want to give yourselves a pay raise and change term limits so you can continue to ignore voter mandates and introduce ridiculous legislation?"

'Why are these polling places so hard to get to?"

'Can you spare a minute, madam - I'm doing a king of all I survey.'

"We've stared at the election map for so long it's become a Magic Eye poster."

Pollster

Elections in the USA

Desk of Public Opinion Polls has 'In' box 'Out' box and 'Undecided'.

'Which scares you most - Iran, North Korea, or the alternative minimum tax?'

"Hot off the wire! In the latest poll, 99% of voters say they will be glad when the election is over... The poll has an error rate of plus or minus 2%."

The US election is over.

'They're called 'numbers' -- Now we can have public opinion polls!'

'For? Against? Undecided? Uniformed? Apathetic? This is one accurate poll!'

Pollsters

I conduct comprehensive surveys - I ask my girlfriend.

election polling

Carl's still 51 annoyed at you for saying his opinion was statistically insignificant.

"A new survey shows only 3% of Americans take surveys, but everyone believes the stupid things."