Platypus Appreciator T-Shirts

"Jesus, my head hurts. And what in my name is this thing I made last night?"

I've been teaching art history for decades. Students today ask new kinds of questions. No, I doubt a gluten-free menu option was available that evening. Nope, the artist was not making a statement about climate change. No, despite the umbrellas, this is not about sun exposure safety. Well, yes, I suppose you can say it's a selfie.

Support group therapy for male black widow spiders.

"Who's got the hammer?"

"Well, what did you expect? They were both missing vital organs."

'This guy loves giving stump speeches. Ironically, they're all against deforestation.'

"Nice epic battle between good and evil!"

'The boss said I never made any profits and I never found customers worth mentioning and that's why he promoted me to the company's chief bad example!'

Updated Classis: Alice Through the You Tube.

"We didn't want to know the gender in advance."

"Steamed vegetables."

Don Quixote is Caged (Don Quixote).

'Oh Hi!'

"You're not the same pupa you were when we first met."

I put a picture of my lunch on Facebook, and nobody hit "like." Who doesn't like Slim Jims and beer?

'This one is for serving 27 years in the military without anyone finding out I'm gay.'

Earthlings, show us your sporting interests. This is golf. Hit the ball with the club. This is tennis. Hit that ball with the racket. This is volleyball. Hit that ball with your hand. Hitting, hitting, hitting. It's all so violent. How do you relax? We hit the hot tub.

Russia Money Laundering

'...And now, the film most criticized for eroding traditional family values, the nominees are...'

Fenton G. Gonklemeyer, Computer Scientist - Booted Up 1928 and Crashed 2009.

Admit it. We have a drinking problem.

MEGASTUDIOS, INC., 'Just think of it -- 'CSI Mayberry,' with Robert DeNiro as Andy and Wesley Snipes as Barney!'

'It's cutting edge theatre.'

"How long were you in the waiting room?"

"Amateurs."

The Greek Trampoline

Dr. Frankenstein creates his newest monster, Frankenmime.

"She's a show dog...purebred, of course." "That's great! My guy's a Sanskrit scholar...wrote for the Harvard Lampoon."

'Gosh, I dunno. You sure it's organic?'

"I like his earlier work better, particularly the ones I said I didn't like at the time."

"The wine has subtle hints of expensive pretension, but it's balanced nicely by the screw cap."

Noah's Ark/Single's Cruise

'I'm down to a pack of neuroses a day.'

Got stuck in Iraqi oil, Unca Sam?

"For the last time, we never need the route with the fewest turns."