Pint Protector Pillows

You shouldn't knock them back so quickly. I had one stolen once!

"My older self travels back just to remind me to put the cap back on this pen?"

"...and what really makes this story scary is the kittens got lost in the woods before flea and tick products were invented."

'He just burst into my campsite, and broke my banjo!'

'Good girl, Carol - now hands up all those who have lost their pens.'

"Careful with that - the wife made it at pottery class."

Best Before 5th Pint.

'I just finished the floors, so they better stay clean!'

'No JAMIE,you're NOT keeping any strays! Now GET rid of him and go wash up for dinner!...' / 'Sorry kiddo,i tried...'

"Sorry kid, I work alone."

The IRS emptied my pouch.

"I've entered your PIN for you. "

'...and now, Doctor, if you have satisfactorily disinfected your hands,...

Beer Club for Men.

'Oi! '

'You've had enough!'

'I think this is where our fish pond was.'

"This one I feel like protecting, the others I don't."

Unbelievable! Who keeps taking by @#$% pens?

'Be careful, I hear he kills cats.'

'Before you buy the gun can I ask if you thought about taking your cat to the vets first?'

"Ralphie, no! Not on my Kindle!"

Wish You Were Beer

'Did you spill my pint?'

"Hey, that's your personal pan pizza. NO SHARING!"

"You know all the best pubs for lunch, Seamus."

'It's from the local microbrewery.'

"At least we don't have to worry about intruders now we have a dog."

'Jeckers, when I was a student we commonly at poultry...

"We're not getting a dog because I don't invest in non-profit ventures."

'...and the Brewery are considering giving you a loyaly card!'

'My union prevented taking away our dental plan to pay for executive bonuses!'

'Hold on a minute. Someone stole my pen.'

'Sorry, my dog says no landlords allowed!'

'Drop the can opener!'