Picture-perfect Foodie Gifts

"Stephen and I are today's special."

"Just bring me something that's going to look good on social media."

Domestic Goddess.

"Keep your glasses on. It will look like twice as much."

'Actually I'm a nerdivore. I only eat your lamer plants and animals: duckbill platypi, cumquats, daffodils, the occasional mudshark.'

'So it's the Mumm's Cordon Rouge, '98 Pouilly-Fuisse, '86 Chateau Margaux, and the '92 Barsac - would you like any food?'

"...And would sir care to kill the rabbit himself?"

'Therapy?'

'What wine goes with enormous expense account?.'

"Smoked salmon, sir?" "I prefer to eat it, thanks."

'Is it organic?'

"Waiter, can you find out if this hair in my arugula salad is locally harvested?"

'Tasty bird.'

'Hey, honey bun!'

Executive Tacos

"I'd like a fat-free, gluten-free, MSG-free, mini, super-skinny, artisan latte please..."

Stand back - while I whip something up

'Have you noticed how portions are getting bigger?'

"If I'd wanted a Picasso I'd have gone to an art gallery, wouldn't I?"

"This is a self-service diner. I cook the meals and I eat them myself."

"I can see that you're a cultured individual..."

"I am off duty, but the body cam allows me to discreetly take photos of my meal."

"I wonder how many Facebook likes I'll get."

"Yes, you could have cooked it, but you didn't."

"Why waste money on perfume when his favorite scent is stuffed pork chops?"

"Have you ever licked cream off a woman's body?"

“Here’s to the 240 bucks we’re paying the sitter.”

Salad Hat

'I recommend looking down your wife's top, sir.'

"... Flirting with your boyfriend?... Oh, sorry dear. I thought he was the waiter."

this place got five stars for its fresh food

Chicken A La King

When I see you I turn to jelly!

Cull people who think, because it's organic, they can sell produce that's past its best.