Piano Performer Gifts

Frederic Chopin

Victor Borge.

Vasiliy Lebedev-Kumach

Sergei Prokofiev.

"Sir, did the piano die?"

Christmas songs

"This is a lovely old song that tells of a young woman who leaves her cottage, and goes off to work. She arrives at her destination, and places some solid NHHS in a flask containing 0.50 atm ofammonia, and attempts to determine the pressures of ammonia and hydrogen sulide when equilibrium is reached."

They hated me.

Showbiz Awards

Baby Piano

Open mike night presents Sadie Cohen. Summer's almost over

"God, I hope no one asks me to sing."

Rhapsody in Blue.

"Samson was the best actor in the bible - he brought the house down!"

"Hey, pal, let's hear 'Doggie in the Window' again, and this time play it like you mean it!"

"After the show, I'll be autographing any computer or phone screens where my albums are streamed."

"This next one is called 'The Sermon on the Mount.'"

Felix Mendelssohn

"Well, that's the only song we know, so we can play it another two or three times, or we can cut our losses. Waddya say, Cleveland?"

"Welcome to Off-Off-Off Broadway."

"I had a fear of speaking in front of people, which is why I shadow puppet and sing the lessons."

Concert Pianist.

"I wrote this next song about my cat. It's called 'Please stop rubbing your face against my computer screen when I'm trying to watch Narcos.'"

"We're following Carrot Top."

"Extreme miming"

Jazz quartet, piano, bass, sax and drums

"And this song goes out there to any girl who might consider sleeping with me."

'I guess it's not much consolation but I thought your impersonation of the King was a riot.'

George Michael

"Smile when you say that, pardner."

"An actor, you say? Guess you caught the acting-like-a-waiter bug."

Cow Show Tunes

'Wash your hands, it's time for your piano lessons.'

"I'm the only sane artist in the world."

"And now, for your entertainment, I will drink a glass of water while Rempert, here, remains eerily silent."