Piano Performer Mugs

Frederic Chopin

Vasiliy Lebedev-Kumach

Sergei Prokofiev.

"Sir, did the piano die?"

Christmas songs

"This is a lovely old song that tells of a young woman who leaves her cottage, and goes off to work. She arrives at her destination, and places some solid NHHS in a flask containing 0.50 atm ofammonia, and attempts to determine the pressures of ammonia and hydrogen sulide when equilibrium is reached."

They hated me.

Showbiz Awards

Baby Piano

"God, I hope no one asks me to sing."

"Samson was the best actor in the bible - he brought the house down!"

"I had a fear of speaking in front of people, which is why I shadow puppet and sing the lessons."

"We're following Carrot Top."

"This next one is called 'The Sermon on the Mount.'"

"After the show, I'll be autographing any computer or phone screens where my albums are streamed."

"I wrote this next song about my cat. It's called 'Please stop rubbing your face against my computer screen when I'm trying to watch Narcos.'"

"Welcome to Off-Off-Off Broadway."

Concert Pianist.

"Extreme miming"

"Well, that's the only song we know, so we can play it another two or three times, or we can cut our losses. Waddya say, Cleveland?"

"Hey, pal, let's hear 'Doggie in the Window' again, and this time play it like you mean it!"

Felix Mendelssohn

Jazz quartet, piano, bass, sax and drums

"And this song goes out there to any girl who might consider sleeping with me."

"An actor, you say? Guess you caught the acting-like-a-waiter bug."

"Smile when you say that, pardner."

'I guess it's not much consolation but I thought your impersonation of the King was a riot.'

Cow Show Tunes

'Wash your hands, it's time for your piano lessons.'

"I'm the only sane artist in the world."

Jazz is Invented

"Bravo!"

"This next one is my own quirky rendition of Berlioz's 'Symphonie Fantastique,' Movement 5, 'Dream of a Witches' Sabbath.'"

"And now, for your entertainment, I will drink a glass of water while Rempert, here, remains eerily silent."

Emily Dickinson: Mime - "I think she's saying something about death."