Philosophical Ponderers Gifts

'Don't blame me for the smell -- I suggested silicon-based life forms.'

'I'm scared of heights.' 'Relax... That's a depth.'

"If everyone is gonna get a universal basic income, what is the point of getting good grades?"

"Don't make me come down there!"

Prayers For Agnostics

"Oh, darn, and just as I was beginning to take charge of my life."

A dilemma for a Jewish castaway.

'What a disappointment: The grass IS greener on the other side, but it doesn't taste any better...'

Newton Discovers Surrealism.

Frank peels away civilizations fragile veneer and, much to his surprise, discovers beautiful hardwood floors underneath.

'I'm worried that I may not be worrying enough about the least of my worries.'

"Well, this must be as big as I'm supposed to get."

"My Harold was thinking about becoming a Buddhist, but then his knee went out and he couldn't sit that way, so he became a Methodist."

False joviality.

No matter how much money you make, this is all you'll ever urn.

'I order you to slow down!'

Camel with sunglasses, cigar and gold chain says to camel reading Bible: 'So where does it stand on rich camels?'

"You're not seeing anybody, Larry, so how do you know you're still straight?"

'A wise man once said if you are down to your last penny you should buy flowers and not bread. . .'

'That bank job in Des Moines, I suppose- what would you most like to be remembered for?'

'If you are not deprived, depraved or socially inadequate...then you must be stupid.'

'Embrace nonviolence!', 'I don't see how THAT'S going to help.'

'Well, at least my social network is here.'

If life is a game, why doesn't it come with batteries?

Big frog in a small pond: 'Now if I could only find true love...'

'As soon as we get some means, we should start livin' below 'em.'

Welcome to Hell: God still loves you. He's just not IN love with you.

Rene Descartes

"Why do these things always happen to me?"

'My Turing Machine doesn't understand me.'

"Eve, do you realize that neither you nor I ever had a childhood?"

"I don't know about you, but I'd given anything to become whole again."

"If we didn't have everything, Boswell, what would you want?"

"At first it bothered me, but then I realized, 50 growth rings is the new 40 growth rings."

"Gracie, do you believe in women's intuition?"