Philosopher Of Silliness Pillows

I don't appreciate being compared to the devil, Axel. Just think about how it must make the devil feel, Lance.

If you bathe a skunk in tomato juice, it will smell like a dog. A bird in the hand is better than two in your shorts. Never wear aqua after Thanksgiving. Unconventional wisdom.

Pigeon Little

'I wasted half my life perched on top of a mountain in the Himalayas. Only to discover that the true meaning of life was a night in watching the box, with a few cans of lager.'

'Dial 1-900-Fortune.'

'If, as you say, they're so evolved, why do they need to wear clothes to survive?'

Reverse psychology

"I'm sorry, but you didn't recognize me as the Messiah when I had braces and glasses."

"There are no such things as problems, only opportunities."

Hamlet in the craft shop.

"And I get a really, really tall straw?"

"I've outlived my conventional and alternative doctors."

"Let's see now: All dogs have four legs. I have four legs. Therefore, I am a dog."

Yeah, well, I only failed my logic exam because I'm a Pisces and my professor's a Leo.

"Remember that ultimately we must answer to Chairs."

"The good news is it's brightening up..."

Jeffrey's Time Machine: '...I want to go back and see what the world was like when people weren't so stupid and annoying!'

'You have an 85% chance of surviving this and 20% chance of wishing you hadn't.'

"Yes, this is heaven - but we need some source of funding, too."

And the Lord said: 'I created the universe. What on earth makes you think I'll be impressed by a dead goat?'

KNITEO ERGO SUM!

'Don't Move!' - 'Why would I want to move? Lived here for 51 years, know all the neighbours, shops nearby, post office is closed but...'

'What do you mean, you're having second thoughts...?'

The existentialist manifesto according to Jean-Paul Sinatra-'oooby Dooby Doo!'

"The gods aren't angry, Tara. They're just hurt and disappointed."

"Is it always so cloudy?"

Remember how I came in on December 31st and ordered a lardo-size fudgsicle sugarbomb mocha with butter sprinkles? Well, give me another one of those. Since it's something I originally had last year, it'll be like I had this one last year too. So it won't violate my New Year's resolution. The ancient art of Time-Shift-Fu. I'm a tenth level grand master. I studied under Moe Yin, the master who created "it's not really 'cheating' if it's with an ex."

Sunday School. Strange --- Apples were forbidden, but apparently fried foods were okay.

"It's chic to be vulnerable."

'Did you ever wonder why iced coffee is goof but cold coffee isn't? . . . You're not curious like I am.'

"It Works For Us."

"I got the grant! I'm researching whether money can buy happiness."

"Now they're saying 80 is the new 70. So, when's the new dead?"

"So anyway, I found a worm on the path the other day and carried it to safety. Then I hear: 'Hey! I was heading the other way!"

Phrenology - Braille Edition.