Pharmaceutical Punsters Pillows

"Sorry John. I'm between placebos right now."

"I'll faithfully follow any diet plan as long as you also prescribe medical marijuana."

'No, this metal stress can't be fixed with liberal doses of antidepressants.'

"These are my fish cymbalta, otezla, skyrizi, vraylar and stelara!"

Doctor to patient: 'While I'm back here, let's try a little something I learned when I was a ventriloquist.'

'So, paternity leave problem solved then?'

"Let's play make-believe. I'll diagnose you with a life-threatening illness, then cure you with a wonder-drug that turns out to be a placebo."

"After searching for the sun all night, it finally dawned on me..."

'It's an emergency, Doctor. The vitamin company needs an endorsement.'

There aren't any serious side effects — just an occasional Elvis sighting.

"...and we hope that, for a cyber-crime, you will consider a cyber-penalty."

"We've managed to cut down the 16 pills you're taking to just one!"

Gas station

"Uh, try unplugging him, then plugging him back in."

"It looks like we're out of sample placebos."

"The transformation is pretty bad, but the worst part is filling out the paperwork for the adverse events."

Molecules You Ought To Be Aware of:

Theater on meds

"Oh darn, there it is right there: side effects may include squid head."

Rip Van Winkle told by pharmacist that his sleeping pill prescription has expired.

Drugs - 'Placebos' and 'Ex-strength placebos'.

"Your report card says you don't interact well with other medications."

"I realize your prescription bottle says 'Keep Tightly Closed', but you still need to take the medication!"

"I'm hurt too bad...I can't hold on any longer!"

"Your homocysteine chapel levels are right off the charts."

'He's had so many transplants that he's geing featured in next years garden catalog.'

I'm afraid I can't write you a prescription for medicinal seaweed.

We need to up your dosage or lower mine.

"Fortunately treatment will be relatively inexpensive since you have the generic form of the disease!"

'You have a lovely neck, Miss Jones. I'm going to prescribe some anticoagulant fot it.'

"My prescription was for Dramamine, not drama queen!"

"Find out who set up this experiment. It seems that half of the patients were given a placebo, and the other half were given a different placebo."

Happy Hour 5-6, but don't read a lot into it.

-I once dreamed about carrots and peas,and then bet on two horses the next day called carrots and peas. Guess who won? -Who? -An outsider called mixed vegetables.

"During the holidays, we like to refer to organ donation as 'regifting.'"