Petunia Pundit Gifts

'What exactly is it you dislike about slugs, Mister Crabtree?'

'Our admission policy is now simplicity itself. If you have the tuition, you're in.'

'You must be Jim's new gardener. I'm his neighbour, Gerald. Had any luck with the Petunias this year? Aren't those Jim's feet sticking out of the ornamental pond?'

"Well, at least it's an improvement from last night."

"The inhabitants of Pluto today declared Earth not a planet..."

"What your memoir really needs is an addiction."

"Hear ye! Hear ye! Look, having nuclear - my uncle was a great professor and scientist and engineer, Dr. John Trump at M.I.T. - good genes, very good genes, O.K., very smart. . ."

"There's the pressure from my public, naturally, as well as the pressure from my publisher, my agent, and all that. But the real pressure comes from that devil inside that makes me different from other men, that makes me a writer. But, of course, you know all about pressure, grinding out those papers at Sarah Lawrence."

"We'd like to publish it, do nothing to promote it, and watch it disappear from the shelves in less than a month."

"Your book stinks—we want to publish it."

"As a cost-cutting measure, for our fall list we have decided to bypass traditional bookstore sales and subsequent remaindering, and instead go directly to the shredder."

'Eat your lettuce. It'll put colour back in your cheeks.'

Rubbish, Poppycock, Balderdash

"I wouldn't mind, but I only topped the bloomin' thing up last week!"

Audacity of Hope.

'This doesn't work as a heart-felt plea for world peace, but with some astute editing, it might be great on a greeting card.'

Hog magazine with litters to the editor dept.

"This plaque shows nine planets, but their transmissions say their system has eight."

'This is how our new no-risk pension scheme works.'

'Ed' 'Op-ed'

Mismanagement Consultant.

"Any truth to the rumor that your book is ghost-written?"

"Of course my main concern is how the situation in Eastern Europe will affect the pennant race."

"And that was the news. . . But please feel free to go online and vent your spite, spread your conspiracy theories and promote your ill-informed opinions. . ."

Old soldiers never die. They just become TV pundits.

'We lost your case, but the PR was a success. Three publishers are bidding on your story, and 30 PTAs are petitioning to have the book banned.'

"It doesn't work as a novel. But we're willing to publish it as a desk calendar."

'Hurry up and enjoy your life as a pensioner! Three.. Two.. One..'

'Not a problem. Our industry is self-regulated. In fact, I'm scheduled to jump off the roof right after this meeting.'

Literary Dogs.

"These days, professor it's "T.V. punditry or perish.""

'It's second-rate writing but luckily there's thousands of second-rate readers. . .'