Pet Keeping Humorist Gifts

"I'm retired now"

'My bark may be worse than my bite, but I've got a whine that will drive you up a wall!'

Dog looks perplexed as man has his head out the window taking in the beer smells.

'So where do you think pineapple juice comes from?'

'Dogs are so silly: Just throw a ball or a stick and they'll chase it and bring it back!'

"Wow, these slippers are really warm!"

Tell me again how aloof and independent cats are.

"Well, here's the problem. You been takin' the hair ball pills and givin' the Viagra to the cats."

"The Bruins are down a goal. Do me a favor: Pretend you’re a Boston terrier."

'You've made a powerful enemy'

'...Excuse me...Whoops, my fault!..Sorry!..You first...Pardon Me...Sorry...S'cuse me...Look out!...Pardon'

"I offer emotional support and companionship for those with PTSD." "I detect cancer and other human diseases by scent detection." "I squeak-fart when startled."

'Of course I'm being catty. How else do you expect me to act?'

'Jurassic Pork.'

"This paw has you meeting a lovely poodle, an enchantress who will win your heart... but look, here, this is telling me she's lousy with fleas."

"They're friendly, but they're also carnivorous, so remember that when you're called on to beg and roll over."

Hats and Food

"Yes, one is a dog."

"Scuba cow"

"You understand that they call you 'good boy' because they can't remember your name, right? They never forget my name, they care about me..."

'I'll be glad when winter is over and he can start buryi8ng bones again.'

Fish with a human in a bowl.

Cats at private view

'While you're 'fixing' my private parts, could you give me a loaner pair?'

Dogs life

"Yes, it's a safe: I was fed up with my winter provisions being raided by freeloaders!"

"Never mind how I got up here....just call the fire department."

"If he tries to dip, Mrs. Callister, you mustn't hesitate to use the choke chain."

"Yep. Looks like we have ringworm."

'Ugh! Another oil puddle in the living room – bad robot dog!'

"We're going to the Vet aren't we."

"Grass-cream! Thanks Mum!"

'Well, I guess we're the control group.'

'Out, damned Spot.'

Cats are under tremendous peer pressure to remain useless.