Pet Chef Pillows

"For this dish we'll need to sauté the onion with the week-old, moldy, ant-covered French fry over medium heat. Then, we lightly flash boil our dehydrated mouse..."

'I'm taking the leftovers home, so suggest something my dog will enjoy.'

Raw food, after you leave for work.

"Hmmm... low ash content. Smells like someone switched to canola oil... wait, is that tripe I smell?"

"Is that all they taught him at obedience school? How to use a can opener?"

"Alright, alright! I'll stop buying the cheap stuff, OK?"

"If man is my best friend, why is he giving me this crap to eat?"

Dog Food

"Pretty good dog, huh, Larry?"

"We need to put in more bones."

Homemade dog biscuits.

"You're spoiling that dog again!"

"So, what's it to be, chicken unfit for human consumption, or beef unfit for human consumption?"

Recipes.

'May I have two containers - fish for my cat, meat for the dog...vegetables divided as follows, one-fourth for the cat, three-fourths for the dog, but no carrots for the cat - kitty doesn't like carrots...'

"Let's see . . . I detect beef . . . peas . . . and a subtle hint of sweet potato!"

'I was hoping chef's surprise would be fish'

'Fruits, vegetables, meat, eggs and cooked beans! He gets a better dinner than I do!'

"What smells so good? -- I'm not cooking for you, but for my dog."

"As a dog he's incredible. As a chef he's just okay."

'It's the Animal Welfare people about you feeding leftovers to the dog!'

'See what happens when you let him cook.'

"I need some assistance here."

'Let's see... that's one 'last week's leftovers' and two 'third grader's homework', right?'

'I hope your 'kittycat gourmet delight' tastes better than my 'doggy sirloin supreme!''

'Patience. Gentle mixing awakens the delicate flavors and presents far more agreeably than straight-out-of-the-can.'

Cooking shows for dogs

"If we list it now, you could be eating filet mignon every night for the rest of your life!"

'Feeding dog food to dogs is NOT ethnic stereotyping!'

"Wait! I forgot the garnish."

"I always add a few breath mints to his food."

"Well-done coming right up."

'I'm thinking celebrity pet's cookery nightmare make-over...'