Personal Improvement Seeker Gifts

They hated me.

'You could be a constant inspiration for us to come up with a plan to get a leg up on our competition...you're hired!'

'If you give up alcohol, cigarettes, sex, red meat, cakes and chocolate, and don't get too excited, you can enjoy life for a few more years yet.'

'My body has rejected every diet I've tried.'

"I spent all day learning productivity hacks"

"... And finally, I’d like to thank the FDA for approving Botox."

"I know it’s an issue, and we’re working on it in therapy."

"This could be the year someone actually goes up there."

'Believe me, I know transformation isn't easy. I pulled a muscle once.'

"If I 'HAD IT ALL' it would it be enough?"

Feedback should be sought for genuine reasons, not because you want compliments. . .

Critisize your weight.

"I chose to stand up to special interest groups!"

Cat with Lion reflection in mirror

"I hurt a lot of people during my last twelve steps."

'The second diet of my diet is always the easiest. By then, I'm off my diet.'

"I like you in that one—it gives you an aura of mindfulness."

"My diet plan for you is if it tastes good, spit it out."

"You say I can move mountains? Right now,it's all I can do to turn over a new leaf!"

"...Wow, if Malcolm Gladwell is right, we need to get a cat who's a Virgo ASAP!"

(Man with 'BEFORE sign): 'My wife says I'm a work-in-progress.'

"I haven't lost any weight after two weeks of dieting, but my hair's getting thinner."

Giving Things Up For Lent.

"Albert the Great—what a joke."

"How long have I had what problem?"

"When you're healed, I'm going to wear it so I can't see what I weigh."

'Is it okay to apologize for something I'm going to do?'

"I told you, if you're looking for a road map for your life, that's all you're gonna get."

"How's the job interviews going?" "Not well. Seems they only want the best and the brightest."

"Wings will be cool, I guess, but I'm mostly hoping the braces and pimples fall off."

'You again? You know it's called a mid-life crisis, not mid-week!'

"Every time I explore the corners of my mind, I have the urge to dust."

'Do you think I need to eat less. Do you have a book you could recommend to tell me how?'

When life gives you lemons...

"I did seize the day. But then it seized me right back and used some kind of jujitsu move to flip me on my ass."