Performance Artistry Gifts

How's My Diving?

"This is a lovely old song that tells of a young woman who leaves her cottage, and goes off to work. She arrives at her destination, and places some solid NHHS in a flask containing 0.50 atm ofammonia, and attempts to determine the pressures of ammonia and hydrogen sulide when equilibrium is reached."

Showbiz Awards

"Here's another one written in E minor and in case you haven't guessed by now, it's the only chord I know."

Thought for today: "All the world's a stage." - Shakespeare. And boy, are there a lot of drama critics.

'It's good - but it's not digital quality.'

Open mike night presents Sadie Cohen. Summer's almost over

Cimafunk

"God, I hope no one asks me to sing."

A fairy with wand and crown in pink tutu

Guitarist

"Aristophanes explains comedy"

"When is my next parole hearing?"

Clown teaches how to speak Jibberish

Academic Idol - 'Professor Johannsen's paper was zippy. It had robust vocabulary and I almost felt that I could dance to it. I would give it a 7.'

"Welcome to Off-Off-Off Broadway."

"Extreme miming"

'Tony, you always try to lead.'

A Guide to Balloon Animals

"Hi there! - I'm the world's first eco-friendly comedian... All My Jokes Are Recycled...!"

Anthropologists discover the earliest known depiction of Jazz Hands.

Comedy Cafe

Stand-up Romcom

'Oh, it's a long, long time...From here to November...'

Gene Wilder as Willy Wonka

'But they told me to take her down to theatre...'

"I'm sorry, we're looking for the voice of a spunky animated turnip and your reading is more fruit than vegetable if you understand what I mean."

"Same story every morning - 'Can you come and fix our windmill?'..."

Taking a peek at the audience

'How's everyone doing tonight - that is the question.'

Sir Joseph Porter, KCB, First Lord of the Admiralty HMS Pinafore

Piano Recital

"This next one is my own quirky rendition of Berlioz's 'Symphonie Fantastique,' Movement 5, 'Dream of a Witches' Sabbath.'"

'What? You ate the gateau instead of throwing it into my face?? You insensitive, egotistical brute! You don't love me anymore!'

"Can you speak up: there's a bloody racket going on in the background."