People Management Specialist Gifts

"The key to being a good manager is keeping the people who hate you away from those who are still undecided."

"Remember the golden rule: more buzzwords, less real words."

"Staff support"

"Another job well done by your conflict resolution specialist."

"So we are agreed then, most of the targets we've set staff are completely unreasonable and we should just scrap them."

"Boy, am I glad they finally hired more staff!"

"I'm expert at sniffing out blame."

'Ok, I'm in a paperwork mood. Let 'er rip.'

"'Quid pro quo' is a no-no, Bradbury. Around here we say 'reciprocal altruism'."

'Don't think of it as being a yes man, think of it as being an employed man.'

How leaders fail

"If this goes badly I'm going to post it on my youtube job interview bloopers channel."

"I realize we had to liquidate some assets, but don't you think I'd be more productive if I had a desk?"

Outer Space Outsourcing

"Why won't you teach us how to handle complaints?"

'Had I known Hell was going to be exactly like work, I probably wouldn''t have spent as much time there.'

'Senior management wanted me to raise morale so I made Lionel from accounts 'office jester'!'

"Morning, all!"

'Salaries Manager. No.'

'The Board has chosen you to handle the restructuring because you have no heart.'

'Asynchronous, collaborative, interactive - we're obviously on a roll.'

'Hey, look, I can stand up and shout, too!'

'What's wrong now?'

The Evolution of the Bonus

"But don't let my wacky tie fool you. We actually take business very seriously around here."

"Who gave you permission to ask for a raise?"

"I just want you to know that promotion, this office, and those Luna bars were mine!"

'Ok, here's the meeting agenda ... it's gonna be a long one.'

"Would anyone like to question my downsizing proposal?"

"Why do you need so many computers?" "One for billing, one for stock control, one for human resources, one for financial management..."

'Recent studies in primate colonies suggest that organizational performance can be improved by replacing complicated financial incentives with bananas.'

"You are being overly-defensive again, Brenda!"

"I appreciate your devices that make it seem like you're paying attention, but could you actually pay attention and make eye contact so I know you are?"