Pension Prankster Pillows

'We're both collecting Social Security. But my husband supplements our income by losing money in the stock market.'

'He's not as studious as he looks - his backpack is full of comic books.'

'No need to yell son, I may be deaf, but I can still read.'

Footballer holding team mates bum while preparing for a penalty shoot out

"Oh no, it's gone in that silly little hole again."

Hole in forty-seven.

"I'm in here...reallocating Dad's retirement account into junk bonds."

'New rule. From now on you don't just sit in the penalty box. You also get a root canal.'

Ref shows footballer green card.

Driver sees man in front of church with sign: 'Fell Asleep and Wet the Pew': 'Huh - a church that's into public shaming.'

"That sweet raise everybody's been excited about is finally here. Enjoy it!"

Old Golfers never die...only those who get in their buggies way!

'The bad news is you've lived well beyond your expiration date.'

"I'm living proof that life begins at forty-three."

'I warned: Play a sloppy game and, come Monday, there will be hell to pay during practice.'

"Mrs. Oliphant, what is the company policy on our company policy?"

"Show-off!"

Politics Books

'The bank want to be sure that I don't vanish and forget the loan repayment...'

"Uh, don't you think you're taking this bay-talk a little too far?"

"Kevin gerrymandered our room again!!"

Placebo Clinic: 'Mr Yomp, someone who may or may not be a doctor, will see you now...'

"I'm not a rule breaker, but the no eye blinking is going to be a tough one."

Bank Checking and Savings. It's a new policy, sir --- There's a substantial penalty for any kind of withdrawal.

Women Golfers

'There! Did you feel him kick?'

"By the way, your insurance doesn't cover these tests...JUST KIDDING! That was the stress test."

'Does it have a little red dot on it?'

"The combined total of major-league batting averages was down three and a half points today. Outs outnumbered hits four to one, on a total of fourteen hundred at-bats."

'The numbers should look better this quarter since they've been photoshopped.'

'Insure your desert island for as little as.....'

'Leadership challenge? No chance!'

'Ok, how many hours of community service for Murder One?'

"It's a real pleasure to do business with you..."

"May I please have a signed receipt so I can write off the loss on my taxes?"