Pension Awareness Pillows

'So that's agreed, we terrify people with stories about living to a hundred in poverty and hope that makes them drop dead early.'

"Apparently over 50% of people never look at their pension plans!"

"I just learned that my golden parachute was not properly packed."

More Unequal Than Others

'right, make sure any new companies we acquire have an ageing workforce'

'Luckily he has dementia so he's go some imaginary friends coming in to look after him.'

'Fortune telling/retirement planning'

"Let me make this perfectly opaque..."

"Give it to me straight, doc. Will I outlive social security and medicare?"

'This is how our new no-risk pension scheme works.'

"Well - that's enough from me, I shall now introduce our Head of Pensions..."

'You're lucky you're just a kid and don't have to worry about things like going out and getting a job when you're supposed to be retired.'

"Scary stuff, but I'm not sure the world is ready for the unexpurgated story of life as a pensions adviser!"

"A 12 month tour of the USA costs us less than staying at home for a year."

Department of Work and No Pension

"We're not accusing you of abusing the system, but I understand you've been on Social Security for 150 years."

Dick rode through the night, the job offer to become a Pension Investment Opportunities Advisor was just too good to miss.

"You know it almost BEGGARS belief that so many people are unwilling to pay for professional pension advice."

"You'd think having nine lives, we'd be better at retirement planning."

"There's a worry that if we impose rules on hedge funds they may leave the UK..."

"You can afford to retire at 65, but you'll need to die at 70."

401K.

"Hi, I'm your personal pensions advisor, Miss Sold"

'Our retirement plan is state funded. When you retire, we give you a lottery ticket.'

"It's ridiculous to claim that we've been rewarding investment managers foolishly!"

'The teachers' range are all designed vertically so they can stand at the front of the class.'

"I'm afraid your Christmas present hasn't gone down too well!"

Pension Matters

"The pensions industry needs to dramatically improve the way we communicate with customers."

"The technical aspects of the 'dashboard' are mainly resolved. Now we just have to sort out the peripheral services."

Results of a Smoking Survey - 'They weren't very passive about smoking'

"He's 104. He always comes back on his birthday - I worked out he'd be gone at 69."

'The most common side effect of this medication is loss of disposable income.'

"Liquidity is when you wake up one day to see your pension pot has vanished, then you wet yourself."

'She'll come round to the idea of a Granny Flat eventually.'