Penny Perfectionist Pillows

"Well, the books balance - assets, and liabilities match to the penny."

"We were able to retire 6 years early by canceling cable & eliminating anything fun."

Bullseye!

We're going on a first date. So many words are misused every day. Literally! I don't accept the use of imperfect language. Me either. Trying to fight it has no effect. It's all a mute point. Irregardless, I could care less. I had nothing farther to say.

Surreal ale

'I told you, you were missing a decimal point.'

"Why not pay someone to clean out the gutters?" "Total waste of good beer money." And just like that, Gail became a widow.

"Years of penny-pinching really paid off. The price of copper just went up again."

Martin hated dining alone – but loved the savings.

Cuts, Measurements, Certain, Sloppy

Quality Contorl.

A tailor measuring a jacket.

'I'm at that awkward age when I can't read my own handwriting. Do they teach penmanship in college?'

Ventriloquist's fete

"I think the idea behind coin collecting is to get one of each kind, not all of the same kind!"

"I need a teeny tiny handbag so I don't have to stow away my husband's wallet, phone and reading glasses."

Certificate for 98.4% accurasy.

"You'll come? Great." "The Hendersons will be too." "We'll kill them at poker." "Phil and Edna, planning a murder for later that night."

A conductor practising in front of a mirror.

"They were apparently more advanced than we thought."

Quill

'Dad, I decided not to get a tattoo in the end. Like you, I got a piercing, instead.'

'I hope it's important, he hates being interrupted during his trombone practice.'

Mount Everest.

Kangaroo Pocket

Writing

'To err is human, but that's no excuse.'

"We should avoid contact. The careless penmanship is troubling."

Mathematician Food Fights.

"Is that a fixed-rate scowl or is it adjustable to the current interest rate?"

'Fountain pen'

'Thank you. It took me a long time, but I built it to scale.'

'Careful, I went absolutely mad and polished everything.'

Cellist having a shower

'Just a bit more, mother - then you can go bowling.'