Penguin Punchliner Pillows

'My god, I wouldn't want to be a stand-up comedian in a place like this!'

A Symphony of Penguins

Snowprov

'And when did you have your last owl movement?'

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

"That's actually my phone. When I answer my calls I get a little bit of a workout."

'It's good to see you, Mr. McWit, but you do realize that today is neither Christmas or Easter?'

'This New Year you will be bathed in a sea of cash!...Hand on...Sorry. This New Year you will need a flea bath for some sort of rash.'

Admit it Doc. You're jealous because my home remedy worked better than your fancy prescription!

'DO you know what time we start here?'

"I see you naked. A beautiful young woman is leaning over you... Oh, hang on. She's performing your autopsy."

Minutes Later The Course Of Comedy Would Be Changed Forever.

I think it's time to retire from boxing. I'm too old for life in the fist lane.

"Smite him, my son!"

"That's two tossed salads, one egg drop soup, and one pulled pork."

"I was really impressed by the way you sent back the wine, though it did come in second to the waiter's uppercut."

Chicken: the one-man show

'That was Mr.Osgood, sir. He's just made his final payment.'

Phill Jupitus

"Hey Ref - any chance you can get those buzzards to quit circling over my fighter?"

Comedy Rule

"Seriously, the way you rasied me it's no wonder I can't get a gig in a real night club."

'Wow...This could be the beginning of a fantastic career...A sales coach is waiting for you. He wants to hire you as a bad example.'

'You're trying to find yourself? -- No offense, but if I were you, I'd look for somebody ELSE.'

'But your advert said, Fantastic view.' - 'She's out right now.'

Have you been living in the moment, Al? Living in the moment? I thought you said I should be living it up in the moment! Frankly, the hangovers are killing me!

'Sorry, your resume isn't funny enough.'

'Don't get up until nine.' - 'What time is it now?'

"...And I don't want any resentments just because someone hits below the belt..."

"Please tell the king I've remembered the punchline."

"Your early stuff was funnier."

My birthday suit is out of fashion.

Bucky's dream of becoming a stand-up comedian ended abruptly the very first time he stepped into the spotlight.

"That wasn't very funny!"

"I want to be a stand up comic, but life's not crap enough."