Payday Punchliner Pillows

"I realize we have to pay our employees, but it doesn't mean I have to like it."

Snowprov

'And when did you have your last owl movement?'

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

"That's actually my phone. When I answer my calls I get a little bit of a workout."

'It's good to see you, Mr. McWit, but you do realize that today is neither Christmas or Easter?'

'Foster's here, regarding his raise sir. Shall I have him crawl in now, or let him sweat a while?'

Admit it Doc. You're jealous because my home remedy worked better than your fancy prescription!

'This New Year you will be bathed in a sea of cash!...Hand on...Sorry. This New Year you will need a flea bath for some sort of rash.'

'DO you know what time we start here?'

"I see you naked. A beautiful young woman is leaning over you... Oh, hang on. She's performing your autopsy."

Minutes Later The Course Of Comedy Would Be Changed Forever.

"That's two tossed salads, one egg drop soup, and one pulled pork."

"I was really impressed by the way you sent back the wine, though it did come in second to the waiter's uppercut."

'Your heart's not in the job - admit you're only doing it for the money!'

I think it's time to retire from boxing. I'm too old for life in the fist lane.

"The transformation is pretty bad, but the worst part is filling out the paperwork for the adverse events."

Chicken: the one-man show

'That was Mr.Osgood, sir. He's just made his final payment.'

"Seriously, the way you rasied me it's no wonder I can't get a gig in a real night club."

"Hey Ref - any chance you can get those buzzards to quit circling over my fighter?"

Phill Jupitus

'Wow...This could be the beginning of a fantastic career...A sales coach is waiting for you. He wants to hire you as a bad example.'

'You're trying to find yourself? -- No offense, but if I were you, I'd look for somebody ELSE.'

'But your advert said, Fantastic view.' - 'She's out right now.'

Have you been living in the moment, Al? Living in the moment? I thought you said I should be living it up in the moment! Frankly, the hangovers are killing me!

'Don't get up until nine.' - 'What time is it now?'

My birthday suit is out of fashion.

"Your early stuff was funnier."

"...And I don't want any resentments just because someone hits below the belt..."

'Sorry, your resume isn't funny enough.'

Bucky's dream of becoming a stand-up comedian ended abruptly the very first time he stepped into the spotlight.

"Nurse, can you send in the interpreter for Senora Delgado?"

'You had a lunch date, but I cancelled it because it was your turn to pay.'

"I want to be a stand up comic, but life's not crap enough."