Payday Punchliner Pillows

"I realize we have to pay our employees, but it doesn't mean I have to like it."

Snowprov

'And when did you have your last owl movement?'

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

'It's good to see you, Mr. McWit, but you do realize that today is neither Christmas or Easter?'

"That's actually my phone. When I answer my calls I get a little bit of a workout."

'Foster's here, regarding his raise sir. Shall I have him crawl in now, or let him sweat a while?'

'This New Year you will be bathed in a sea of cash!...Hand on...Sorry. This New Year you will need a flea bath for some sort of rash.'

Admit it Doc. You're jealous because my home remedy worked better than your fancy prescription!

"I see you naked. A beautiful young woman is leaning over you... Oh, hang on. She's performing your autopsy."

'DO you know what time we start here?'

'Your heart's not in the job - admit you're only doing it for the money!'

Minutes Later The Course Of Comedy Would Be Changed Forever.

"I was really impressed by the way you sent back the wine, though it did come in second to the waiter's uppercut."

"The transformation is pretty bad, but the worst part is filling out the paperwork for the adverse events."

Chicken: the one-man show

'That was Mr.Osgood, sir. He's just made his final payment.'

"Seriously, the way you rasied me it's no wonder I can't get a gig in a real night club."

'Wow...This could be the beginning of a fantastic career...A sales coach is waiting for you. He wants to hire you as a bad example.'

'You're trying to find yourself? -- No offense, but if I were you, I'd look for somebody ELSE.'

'Don't get up until nine.' - 'What time is it now?'

'Sorry, your resume isn't funny enough.'

"Your early stuff was funnier."

'But your advert said, Fantastic view.' - 'She's out right now.'

"...And I don't want any resentments just because someone hits below the belt..."

Bucky's dream of becoming a stand-up comedian ended abruptly the very first time he stepped into the spotlight.

'You had a lunch date, but I cancelled it because it was your turn to pay.'

"I want to be a stand up comic, but life's not crap enough."

"Nurse, can you send in the interpreter for Senora Delgado?"