Penalty Pretender Pillows

"I felt a touch!"

"England losing from a penalty shootout again!"

"You beat me by two...but with your penalties I beat you by 150!"

Footballer holding team mates bum while preparing for a penalty shoot out

'Half-time, full-time - It's gone into penalties, woman!'

"But honey, I've spent my last 30 years pretending to look busy. I can't quit overnight."

'He intentionally entangles his face mask in my hand!'

'You beat me by two...but with your penalties I beat you by 150!'

"You need more info? Listen, son, our ancestors faked it, I fake it, and by gawd, it's time you learned to fake it."

'New rule. From now on you don't just sit in the penalty box. You also get a root canal.'

Ref shows footballer green card.

Penalty

"Look,we'll settle this on penalties, not an American style shoot out."

"Seven bookings and four sendings off, and that was just in the queue for pies."

'Holding! Number 74 on the offense!... Fifteen years to life in prison...'

Driver sees man in front of church with sign: 'Fell Asleep and Wet the Pew': 'Huh - a church that's into public shaming.'

Man to lady: 'Prisons are overcrowded, so we're seeing more sentences of timeout instead.'

Official Support Groups

'Uh-oh. That's the 'special' whistle. ... This is going to be a major penalty.'

The Flying Pig: Free drinks (if England win on penalties)

'I warned: Play a sloppy game and, come Monday, there will be hell to pay during practice.'

"Because we're jerks."

On 'Friends Reunited' everyone can claim to be a front page maodel for GQ Magazine.

'Well, you're right, you're not touching the ball with your hands, so the Ref can't penalize you...'

Penalty Box. Shouldn't there also be a "reward" box? I've been nice most of the game!

'He's one of the strictest referees in the competition...'

"Alright, a yellow will stop him doing it again, but so would a b----y RED!"

"How come I get TWO yellow cards?"

'You're not allowed out of the Coach's Penalty Box.'

"An own-goal and a rebound penalty, huh!"

'Ok, how many hours of community service for Murder One?'

'I guess i's not the worst brawl we've ever seen... but I suppose we should penalize someone anyway.'

Team Suspensions.

'There goes a flag... could be a face-mask penalty.'

"Now what?"