Penalty Pretender Pillows

"I felt a touch!"

"You beat me by two...but with your penalties I beat you by 150!"

Footballer holding team mates bum while preparing for a penalty shoot out

'Half-time, full-time - It's gone into penalties, woman!'

"But honey, I've spent my last 30 years pretending to look busy. I can't quit overnight."

'He intentionally entangles his face mask in my hand!'

'You beat me by two...but with your penalties I beat you by 150!'

"You need more info? Listen, son, our ancestors faked it, I fake it, and by gawd, it's time you learned to fake it."

'New rule. From now on you don't just sit in the penalty box. You also get a root canal.'

Ref shows footballer green card.

"Seven bookings and four sendings off, and that was just in the queue for pies."

Penalty

'Holding! Number 74 on the offense!... Fifteen years to life in prison...'

"Look,we'll settle this on penalties, not an American style shoot out."

Driver sees man in front of church with sign: 'Fell Asleep and Wet the Pew': 'Huh - a church that's into public shaming.'

Man to lady: 'Prisons are overcrowded, so we're seeing more sentences of timeout instead.'

'Uh-oh. That's the 'special' whistle. ... This is going to be a major penalty.'

The Flying Pig: Free drinks (if England win on penalties)

'I warned: Play a sloppy game and, come Monday, there will be hell to pay during practice.'

"Because we're jerks."

On 'Friends Reunited' everyone can claim to be a front page maodel for GQ Magazine.

'Well, you're right, you're not touching the ball with your hands, so the Ref can't penalize you...'

'He's one of the strictest referees in the competition...'

'Ok, how many hours of community service for Murder One?'

"An own-goal and a rebound penalty, huh!"

"Alright, a yellow will stop him doing it again, but so would a b----y RED!"

'I guess i's not the worst brawl we've ever seen... but I suppose we should penalize someone anyway.'

'You're not allowed out of the Coach's Penalty Box.'

"How come I get TWO yellow cards?"

Team Suspensions.

'There goes a flag... could be a face-mask penalty.'

"Now what?"

'The hair shirt is sufficient. You don't have to shave with a hedgehog.'