Pediatric Heart Surgeon Gifts

"I can't decide if I want to grow up to be a pediatric heart surgeon or a celebrity chef."

"Chocolate? I can't be allergic to chocolate! I'm a kid, can't you say I'm allergic to spinach or broccoli?"

"I see that he is growing as fast as your law firm."

"Did I hear the dog in here?"

'Sometimes I worry that I basically wasted my 2's.'

'Why don't they make thumb-flavored baby food?'

"Unfortunately, once the child contracts Pokémon, he lives with it forever."

"They grow up so fast."

Madonna of the Pukes.

You can't just switch them. If your wife asked you to change the baby, she probably meant the diaper.

Cry babies.

'Well, it's your fault for wearing my slippers.'

Mozart's First Movement - Baby Mozart is sitting on the potty.

"I’ve tried to make this as painless as possible ... clearly I’ve failed."

'OK, the old one's in my right hand, the donor's in my left. Rght?'

The cell phone soother for life.

"Unfortunately, your son swallowed a great deal of industrial adhesive. But don't worry: Epoxy can be cured."

"I only travelled with my umbilical cord!"

A midwife holding a baby

'Don't worry. It's never too hot or never too cold.'

Pool attached to child's bed.

'You call it a bra. I call it excess packaging.'

'The child is very illogical'

'They don't understand goo-goo-gah-gah. Dumb it down to WHAAAAAH!'

Children disturbing a heart rate reading.

'You gotta learn to talk, Jeffrey -- it's part of the aging process.'

QUINTUPLE BYPASSES EXPLAINED.

"He's not talking yet, but sometimes we give him peanut butter to make it look like he is."

Pumpkin patch

Gifts for a cloned baby!

"Congratulations, it's a lifetime of penury and countless sleepless nights!"

"The first one's just a warning."

'I don't believe it. Five minutes after he gets the darn thing, he has an arrest!'

A tube of toothpaste doesn't reach its full potential until in the hands of a baby.