Patient Care Gifts

"Unfortunately, there's no cure—there's not even a race for a cure."

'We're to spend more time engaging with patients on a more compassionate 'human' level...and here are the guidelines on how to do it!'

'You are a very good nurse. You're actually listening to what I'm saying.'

Medical Examinations.

'Sorry the doctor is running behind. You can keep today's appointment or I can fit you in tomorrow...whichever comes first.'

Virtual Doctor

Stethoscope line.

'You're not listening to what you're hearing.'

'We're trying to use a team approach to medicine, but we're having trouble fitting everyone!'

'Instead of 'You're entering a world of pain', try 'This won't hurt a bit.''

'I can't give you my cell phone number. If you need assistance, use the nurse's bell.'

"I've a patient who needs a 'chat'...have you got anyone who's completed the 'verbal communications with patients in a lighthearted, supportive but not disempowering manner' course?"

'Advanced access' isn't REALLY about you booking an appointment in advance of having anything wrong with you!

"We'd like to start out being very involved with you but eventually be drawn away to much more interesting cases down the hall."

"I've got a patient who needs to chat to someone. . . Have you got anyone who's completed the 'verbal communication with patients in a personal, supportive but not disempowering' course?"

"Okay, now breathe another sigh of relief."

"The doctor will see you now - Here's your medical dictionary."

Traumatology.

'On the plus side, the unbelievable pain following the injection is comparatively short-lived.'

'It's the new managements policy on how we persecute whistleblowers.'

'Doctor's aren't allowed to do examinations alone. It's for your own peace of mind.'

'Is it a BIRD?...Is it a PLANE?...No it's another in depth inspection from the Quality Care Commission.'

'You are a very good doctor. You're actually listening to what I'm saying.'

'There's a new target for whistleblowers...I need you to find five examples of substandard care and leak them to me by Tuesday!'

'Do you remember when all we had to think about was the patients?'

'When a patient is clearly in need of personal care it's imperative that you call a care assistant urgently!'

"It's the worst part of working here...spending so much time with people at the end of their tether, ill, stressed, desperate for help..."

'Here are the new guidelines on whistleblowing.'

Doctors Discussion

'The Doctor just finished his rounds. I better go soothe the patient's psyches.'

"I know — but he was nervous and his support dog didn’t seem to mind."

Dissatisfaction with health system

"As explained, Parkinson's Disease is a depletion of dopamine in the brain. But before you fill up that space with a lot of negative thoughts, let's discuss your treatment options."

"Do you remember when we had to do was help people?"

'It hurts when I smile.'