Pat Down Enthusiast Pillows

'I'm not flying anywhere... I'm just here for the pat down search.'

'I don't like heights...maybe that's why I've had so many low points in my life.'

"Well, at least we know she died peacefully."

How The Sausage Is Eaten

"Personally, I'd like to hire you, Mike, but the company has some serious concerns about your core competencies!"

Businessman sees sign in window of 'Fred's Chili Bowl' restaurant: 'Now Hiring a Bean Counter'.

'...However, he is such a heck of a nice guy, we're going to give him the touchdown anyway.'

'But he's supposed to tell everyone how much you weigh! '

'Oh, this will be good! He just putted into a sand trap...our litter box.'

"Okay, quote me. I'm on the record."

'The Wilsons picked up a quarterback in the off-season. The Riveras picked up a quarterback. The Ludwigs picked up a quaterback...'

James's Mayfair Gym - Punting Machine.

'He's checking with his agent to see if it's okay to score a try!'

"Keep it up. His knuckles are getting really sore"

"Oh, wait. He's on their side."

Dog to other: 'I think I'm becoming quite addicted to pats on the head.'

"Let's do exactly what these pundits in the halftime report said we should do. If we lose, we'll blame them!"

Self Raising Flour

"Try a new tactic, punch back."

'He hibernates between superbowls.'

"We should have taken a eweber."

"Harvey's staying with shoulders."

"I wish I had known you have arachnophobia before I paid."

Friendly fire!

Cat boxer

'Both benches have emptied, and now the brawl is spreading to the spectators!'

Blue Tit Bank.

'Get the stretcher! He's got a mole on his leg that looks a little funky!!'

Just sitting here kicking field goals (smiley face emoji)

"I'm married to a control freak!"

'Whoa! Don't try to be a hero. It's too late for Dan, but let this be a lesson...'

Football