Party Paradox T-Shirts

"I feel like the only pole vaulter in here."

Grad School Parent-Teacher Conference

"Don't even interact with him. He just likes to say 'Kalamazoo.'"

'I can't force jocose if I'm not feeling it.'

"I just realized you're my entire entourage."

C'mon, it'll be fun! I'll throw on some stars, pop in a few planets, drum up a life form or two, and this place will be hoppin'! The Big Shebang Theory.

'No standing while room is in motion.'

'I like you, you remind me of someone.'

The devil you know and his plus one

Shaken not stirred

Balancing two espresso martinis

"I am so attracted to you right now."

That party went well.

Beers

Liberal Vote-Shaming Explained

Karataoke

"This just in: one of us always tells lies; the other always tells the truth. Who's who? Stay tuned."

Chritmas Party - "What in our own time?"

"As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from restless dreams, transformed into a monstrous vermin, he thought to himself: never again bourbon and tequila in the same night, and this time, I mean it."

'No thanks, I don't drink when I'm driving home a point about investing.'

Cut out and keep your own DJ.

WANTED Dead or Alive - Schrodinger's Cat.

"Honey, I think that's too many bows."

'We're the first film ever in HD 3-D DOUBLE D!'

"Come to our microbrew party Saturday. It's B.Y.O.B. — Bring Your Own Brewery."

"I have good news and bad news about your cat, Dr Schrodinger..."

"Whine and cheezed party."

"Some day you'll look back at this and remember me as the person who taught you to fear water."

'Inside Ralph is a comedienne crying to get out.'

"I write mostly confessional non-fiction."

Whale Piñata.

"Why can't you ever relax at parties?"

"My feeling is that while we should have the deepest respect for reality, we should not let it control our lives."

'I've heard all about you. Jayne says you're quite the prankster.'

Angry wife: 'Oh well DONE Keith! Why didn't you tell me the invite said BRING your own spirits?!'