Parenting Wits Pillows

"Are you sure this is in your job description?"

'We're not paprazzi. We're your parents.'

"Someday she'll solve the world's problems."

"Trust me, you're not ready!"

'Eight years old, huh? If it's so good, why didn't somebody drink it eight years ago?'

'I'm sorry I missed your recital. Daddy was on the phone with his broker, checking on bond yields. It's another form of bonding, son.'

"You're welcome."

Coronavirus Impact on Children

"I have to rest. The 'check engine' light on my activity tracker just came on."

"I don't know...sometimes I think I don't spend enough time with them. What kind of role model am I?"

"I have a new program that draws from his energy to power all our computers and phones. We should be good for the next 10 years."

"Can you turn these mashed potatoes into french fries?"

"It's hard being a grownup, too – did you know we have absolutely zero limits on treats?"

"Never Again." (bird sitting on a giant egg).

"What's an imagination? It was something kids used to enjoy before they invented video games."

"I never had to choose between a baby and a career—I'm a surrogate mother."

"Life is beautiful, and it's messy."

"We're planning on sending him away to be reared by experts."

'Wow, Mom, how long has he been in time-out?'

"In the future, son, everyone will be an attorney for fifteen minutes."

'I don't believe in pressuring my children. When the time is right, they'll arrive at the default choice and go to law school.'

"I don't see how pulling out a piece of fruit from a pie necessarily validates Jack Horner's self-worth."

Children should be seen and not heard. We're decorative.

"And you call yourself a marsupial?"

'I've fallen in love and i've fallen in porage and believe me: porage is better.'

"Oh, it's just more white-male stuff."

'No my husband wasn't there for the birth and I was only there 'cos I had to be!'

"I know he's little, but he uses it."

Baby talk 101 - Whaaaaa! 'This is a good one. It means, 'Until my every need is met, your life will be hell'.'

'Sweet dreams buddy!'

"So, what are you doing for the rest of your life?..."

Chip and Fran Cooper: The Most Embarrassing Parents in the World.

Baby thinks: I smile, they smile. I laugh, they laugh. I think they're teachable!

'Now there's a novel idea - babysitting your own children.'

"May I see some ID, Madame? Haha, just kidding!"