Parenting Under Pressure Pillows

Baby on Board, Mother on Edge.

State Prison Child Care

Wait until your father . . . Oh!

Suffering from Cooties?

Human Behavior Institute. Out Experiencing Lunch.

We're looking for someone who knows how to adapt, not adopt.

'Of course I put my kids first! Look at how much I pay the nanny!!'

'If you take this job, you will need child care... that's my second job.'

Polly, want a cracker, but Polly need a glass of wine.

'The food is great, but it's embarrassing the way she always insists on burping you.'

Impracticle Guide to Having Babies: 'Feeding'

Businessman with briefcase pushes stroller with baby and its briefcase.

Lawyer's baby first word: whiplash!

"I know, but all promises are off when Daddy's writing his grant proposals."

'Push, dear! The child will be late for pre-school!'

New dunce caps

"Yeah, he's very like his father isn't he?"

'I changed my mind...I'm not thirsty anymore.'

"Sorry I'm late with my grades. I was busy removing the 'Honor Roll' bumper sticker from the car."

'If you don't behave we'll unfreeze your stem cells!'

'These are very powerful tranquilizers for when your teen has he horrific tantrums. Take two of them anytime she flares up.'

'He's already surfing without nappies!'

'We need a dog!'

"Do you really use all of the stuff on this school supply list?"

'I couldn't find any box filler so I shredded those tax documents on your desk.'

'To be honest I only became a vicar to get my children into the C of E school.'

"Have you ever heard about deferred prosecution agreements, Mommie?"

"Here comes the airplane--once it gets clearance from the tower, which should be in another 45 minutes. Thank you for your patience."

'Sorry dad - it won't happen again,'

You've got to help me, Em. Sure. My mom's hot on this strict, Chinese-style parenting. Welcome to my world. Tell her that your parents aren't pushing you to be a doctor. Sure. They gave up on that. They'll settle for Harvard law school. That's too much information.

"Don't worry, it gets easier when they're 35."

Daughter/psychiatrist

We're very disappointed. We thought the nanny had raised you better than this.

"I'm sorry madam but we don't make them go missing."

Mind them while I go shopping and I'll give you 50 bucks extra!