Parenting Perfectionist Pillows

Portuguese Mom of War

An over ambitious pushy parent reading a book about child development while ignoring her child's emotional needs.

'My, your children are well-behaved!'

"Which one generates the most synapses?"

Parental Anxiety

'Welcome to pre-natal kindergarten. First we'll review your pre-born's cirriculum and then I'll assign womb numbers.'

"Not to alarm you, but the other newborns are already ahead."

'I'm not too sure about that.'

"My mom attached a string to me. It's a low-tech tracking device."

'Mommy has made this astonishing cake just to get you to eat your peas and provide valuable insight for your therapist in twenty years.'

'Timmy! Stop jumping on Penny's couch!. . . It's cheap!'

"I told him to come back when he's truly gifted."

"But you can't miss her second-grade first-semester graduation!"

Parenting Wonks

"Only a B in Parenting Skills. You need to pull your socks up."

"There, now will you eat your broccoli!?!"

Mum and the Sleepless Baby

Toilet training for an adult.

It's nice they can all join in, isn't it? Yes! My kids wiping the floor with your kid!

Parenting Academy...I failed insemination.

'He's researching out-of-state kindergartens.'

'Why single me out?'

'How do you expect to compete with the Japanese if you don't learn to walk?'

Triplets

"We can't leave her with my parents! Do you want her to turn out like me?"

"I want to have at least two children - I have too much guilt to give for just one."

"Hush, little baby, don’t you cry ... ever."

'You're not confident at the water hole are you?'

Golfer to other: 'I've never seen anyone slice a putt before.'

'There! See that? Brad just happens to morph into some kind of hideous amphibian just as he's about to putt? Now tell me she's not cheating!'

"Various entrances to the gates of Hell."

"You know what they say, there's one born every minute!"

'Aren't you glad we brought our putters, too?'

"Hmmm, this might just be not funny enough for The New Yorker."

'This software package can cut your workload in half. Do you want to purchase two copies?'