Parenting Humor Gifts

'Of course I know what he wants when he cries. He wants you.'

'I don't care what your friends are doing. You're not leaving this house until your fix your label, young lady!'

"The candy's for after dinner."

',,,But if I do eat them I'll lose my child support, Oh, Alice,divorce is so hard,'

'Sorry Mom, but what happens in kindergarten stays in kindergarten.'

Mothers Without Borders

"How can they call this a progress report?"

'Don't worry about a thing. My Mom doesn't believe in spanking.'

'Statistically, drooling is only cute for the first six months. After that we'll have to start screaming in public to get any kind of attention.'

'Once upon a time, in a faraway land with a budget surplus...'

'I'm leaking from everything!'

"You'll be starting nursery school soon darling, so we need to have the sex, drugs and drink chat..."

'It's about your son's low attention span,,,'

"My client pleads not guilty by reason that the other kid started it."

"I'm afraid your son has been confusing 'your' and you're' when he mercilessly bullies his peers online."

Things Not To Tell Your Kid

"Just you wait 'till your father comes home!"

"I didn't think you'd still be here at thirty."

:Come on sweetie, you know the rule: You need to finish your chocolate cake before you can have your carrots...'

Long table, long baby table.

'We would split up, but neither of us wants to be left alone with the baby.'

'Thank goodness the kids are in bed. I wouldn't want them watching this.'

"Dad, this survey says too much study is bad for you..."

"It's too hot to strive for autonomy."

"Sure they're cute when they're little."

"If you get to be a stay-at-home dad, why can't I be a stay-at-home daughter?"

"I don't care if it is part of the look. I'm not buying you a handgun."

Why bank robbers switch careers after they have kids.

'I'm not actually fat - my mum wraps me up in cotton wool.'

'Why don't you call a plumber?'

'My first solids. Do breasts get jealous?'

'What time do we have to wake her up in the mornings?'

'When the bough broke, how much was the daycare center sued for?'

'Come on, you heard the rooster: It means it's bedtime for you!'

'In school red ink is bad, just like with Daddy's failed start-up.'