Parenting Humor Gifts

'Of course I know what he wants when he cries. He wants you.'

'I don't care what your friends are doing. You're not leaving this house until your fix your label, young lady!'

"The candy's for after dinner."

',,,But if I do eat them I'll lose my child support, Oh, Alice,divorce is so hard,'

'Sorry Mom, but what happens in kindergarten stays in kindergarten.'

Mothers Without Borders

"How can they call this a progress report?"

'Don't worry about a thing. My Mom doesn't believe in spanking.'

'Once upon a time, in a faraway land with a budget surplus...'

'Statistically, drooling is only cute for the first six months. After that we'll have to start screaming in public to get any kind of attention.'

'I'm leaking from everything!'

'It's about your son's low attention span,,,'

"My client pleads not guilty by reason that the other kid started it."

"You'll be starting nursery school soon darling, so we need to have the sex, drugs and drink chat..."

Things Not To Tell Your Kid

"Dad, this survey says too much study is bad for you..."

'We would split up, but neither of us wants to be left alone with the baby.'

"I didn't think you'd still be here at thirty."

:Come on sweetie, you know the rule: You need to finish your chocolate cake before you can have your carrots...'

"Just you wait 'till your father comes home!"

"I'm afraid your son has been confusing 'your' and you're' when he mercilessly bullies his peers online."

Long table, long baby table.

'Thank goodness the kids are in bed. I wouldn't want them watching this.'

Why bank robbers switch careers after they have kids.

"I don't care if it is part of the look. I'm not buying you a handgun."

'I'm not actually fat - my mum wraps me up in cotton wool.'

"It's too hot to strive for autonomy."

'I don't care if he followed you home-we're not keeping him!'

'Come on, you heard the rooster: It means it's bedtime for you!'

'In school red ink is bad, just like with Daddy's failed start-up.'

'What time do we have to wake her up in the mornings?'

'When the bough broke, how much was the daycare center sued for?'

'My first solids. Do breasts get jealous?'

"If you get to be a stay-at-home dad, why can't I be a stay-at-home daughter?"

"Sure they're cute when they're little."