Parenting Expectations Ponderer Gifts

"Boy or a girl, it doesn't matter. As long as it's a whiz kid."

"Frankly, now that he's an obnoxious teenager, I find it more and more difficult to muster the urge to protect him..."

"They must be grown-up ducks, because they're eating the crusts too."

'When do they learn to stand upright?'

"Mother nature sure is confusing...she gives me a clothes line but no clothes!"

"Sorry I'm late with my grades. I was busy removing the 'Honor Roll' bumper sticker from the car."

"Mom, are you going to properly vet the baby before you bring her home from the hospital?"

'Daddy! There's a Politician in my closet!'

"It's quiet in here. I suppose it's off the popular tourist route!"

"Seventy-seven. How about yours."

'My kids don't understand me.'

'He was raised by sparrows!'

A Toxic-Waste-Think-Tank With Toxic-Thoughts.

'What a coincidence....that's my mum's name to!'

"With a good education you can grow up to be anything I want you to be."

"Is it wrong to be evasive and not answer questions?"

'If we're seedless watermelons, where did I come from?'

"What's it like to be the parent of a nonhuman?"

'Looks like Timmy got solitary.'

"Naughty? Nice? It's a bit more nuanced than that..."

Baby Philosophy.

Ingredients: me

'You could give it to your mom with a huge Valentine card.'

"The trouble with children is they don't act like adults."

"When I was growing up, my parents only ever gave me two choices for everything I did: The carrot or the stick..."

"Does school choice include whether he gets a tenured teacher?"

"I wasn't nervously hovered around enough as a child."

"We think he needs more individual neglect."

'Your phone isn't wireless, Dad. I found some wires in it right here.'

"My mom said I can't come here anymore." "What? Why not, Billy?" "She said she sends me here to get hot chocolate, not to get bad relationship advice." "What 'bad' advice? All my advice is solid gold." "You told me to call the IRS with an anonymous tip about Andrea Wheaton's father avoiding taxes, so next time he tells her I'm a bad influence he'll look like a hypocrite." "That didn't work?"

'My children don't understand me and I don't understand me and I don't understand my children phobia.'

'Actually, Dad knows quite a bit about sex for a man his age.'

"Apparently, Philip and his imaginary playmate are more or less the same weight and size."

'Now that the kids have grown and gone I've decided to rent out their room.'