Parenting Expectations Ponderer Prints

"Boy or a girl, it doesn't matter. As long as it's a whiz kid."

"Frankly, now that he's an obnoxious teenager, I find it more and more difficult to muster the urge to protect him..."

"They must be grown-up ducks, because they're eating the crusts too."

"Mother nature sure is confusing...she gives me a clothes line but no clothes!"

'When do they learn to stand upright?'

"Mom, are you going to properly vet the baby before you bring her home from the hospital?"

"Sorry I'm late with my grades. I was busy removing the 'Honor Roll' bumper sticker from the car."

'Daddy! There's a Politician in my closet!'

"It's quiet in here. I suppose it's off the popular tourist route!"

"Seventy-seven. How about yours."

'My kids don't understand me.'

Are we going to raise her as a cat person or a dog person?

'What a coincidence....that's my mum's name to!'

'He was raised by sparrows!'

You've got to help me, Em. Sure. My mom's hot on this strict, Chinese-style parenting. Welcome to my world. Tell her that your parents aren't pushing you to be a doctor. Sure. They gave up on that. They'll settle for Harvard law school. That's too much information.

A Toxic-Waste-Think-Tank With Toxic-Thoughts.

"With a good education you can grow up to be anything I want you to be."

"Is it wrong to be evasive and not answer questions?"

'Looks like Timmy got solitary.'

"What's it like to be the parent of a nonhuman?"

'If we're seedless watermelons, where did I come from?'

"Naughty? Nice? It's a bit more nuanced than that..."

Ingredients: me

Baby Philosophy.

'You could give it to your mom with a huge Valentine card.'

"The trouble with children is they don't act like adults."

"Does school choice include whether he gets a tenured teacher?"

"When I was growing up, my parents only ever gave me two choices for everything I did: The carrot or the stick..."

"I wasn't nervously hovered around enough as a child."

'Your phone isn't wireless, Dad. I found some wires in it right here.'

"We think he needs more individual neglect."

'Actually, Dad knows quite a bit about sex for a man his age.'

'Now that the kids have grown and gone I've decided to rent out their room.'

"Just a pear? Is that all you're having for dinner?"

"Prodigy you ain't."