Parenting Debater Pillows

"I know you asked for a toy gun but daddy got you a real one."

I make it a policy not to smack children. You don't have any children! Exactly!

"Frankly, now that he's an obnoxious teenager, I find it more and more difficult to muster the urge to protect him..."

'When do they learn to stand upright?'

'Before we begin, he's the one that's been helping me with my homework.'

"We encourage Theo to challenge clichés and mediocrity."

"We like to think he's experimenting with color and form, but his art therapist suggested we're not giving him enough candy."

"The economy doesn’t make me half as nervous as my kids do."

"Seventy-seven. How about yours."

"It's quiet in here. I suppose it's off the popular tourist route!"

'My kids don't understand me.'

"I'm sure he's a fine boy, but we prefer interviewing your son in person."

'He was raised by sparrows!'

You've got to help me, Em. Sure. My mom's hot on this strict, Chinese-style parenting. Welcome to my world. Tell her that your parents aren't pushing you to be a doctor. Sure. They gave up on that. They'll settle for Harvard law school. That's too much information.

Are we going to raise her as a cat person or a dog person?

"I'v got this center-of-the-universe gig."

'What a coincidence....that's my mum's name to!'

Child Development: 'He's developing just fine, those babies in the commercials aren't really talking.'

"Is it wrong to be evasive and not answer questions?"

'Looks like Timmy got solitary.'

"What's it like to be the parent of a nonhuman?"

Baby Philosophy.

"Pardon me, but I couldn’t help noticing how well-behaved your children are. May I ask which medications they’re on?"

"You know, if lima beans, cauliflower and broccoli tasted like candy and ice cream, we wouldn't have to go through this every night!"

Ingredients: me

"The trouble with children is they don't act like adults."

"Does school choice include whether he gets a tenured teacher?"

"When I was growing up, my parents only ever gave me two choices for everything I did: The carrot or the stick..."

"Men are like fast food - expensive, unhealthy and they make you fat."

Marry one wife, get another one free - 'It's our new incentive for marriage.'

David Cameron Parenting Classes: 'After registering them for Eton the next most important thing is selecting the right nanny!'

'Mommy!'

'Satellite TV? You're spoiling that kid.'

"I love the way you make me rethink my commitment to family values."

Education Act of 1870 - Quarrelling