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'Oh, we don't actually teach math any more ? we found it was too hard on the kids' self-esteem.'

"I told you not to touch it. I should've used your language and told you not to click on it."

"And you call yourself a marsupial?"

'I've fallen in love and i've fallen in porage and believe me: porage is better.'

'I should have listened to my Mum, she always said, 'Never underestimate how fast a zebra can run'.'

"Other than being sent to the principal's office, my detention, and three day suspension, school was good."

'My mom just explained babies to me. I'm not sure, but I think I'm a bird and you're a bee.'

"His room is always clean. Do you think we should take him to a psychologist?"

"Go ask your mother."

'I don't mind them, but I would like to see my daughter getting married to one of them!'

"Don't make me come over there."

"They grow so fast. In my day, you didn't become morbidly obese until adulthood."

A Victorian park.

"If it's important to you, Jessica. It's important to daddy, but I don't think it's important to you."

"Of course, you've always set a good example for me ... that's why you embarrass me so much."

"Do you provide any coupons that would allow me one free lie? It would help ease my conscience."

"And I suppose if your friends all jumped off a cliff you'd follow right along?"

"I'm confused....you always say not to take candy from strangers, but tonight you tell me to go to strangers and ask for candy!"

'It's making me happy.'

'Your phone isn't wireless, Dad. I found some wires in it right here.'

‘Sat too close to the TV;’ ‘Stared at the Sun For an Hour,’ ‘Put Out My Eye With a BB Gun.’

"It's summer, go outside and play."

"No thanks! My dad said those things will kill you!"

"Mommy and Daddy are arguing again."

"Mother, I get enough pressure from my peer group without getting it from you."

"I don't have a story, Tommy. I can offer a retrospective of your day, followed by a deep-dive to identify opportunities for improvement."

'Mom, did I come preassembled or did you and dad have to put me together?'

"Baldo, school has always been about learning, expanding your mind, becoming a better person."

'Careful Darling, my mum always said 'beware of strangers bearing gifts'...'

"Michael, you can’t be a ‘stay-at-home dad’ if we don’t have children!"

'People must be crazy to pay to hear a lecture! I get 'em free at home every day!'