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'Don't be silly. Storks don't leave babies at homes. They leave them at hospitals.'

'My mom just explained babies to me. I'm not sure, but I think I'm a bird and you're a bee.'

"Other than being sent to the principal's office, my detention, and three day suspension, school was good."

Son, it's time you grew some legs and moved out.

"Sorry, son. . . You're not getting the keys to the car until you show me you're mature enough to bring it back completely totaled."

"You're getting older now. We need to discuss the Pterodactyles and the bees."

'I knew things were getting out of hand when I went from snips, to snails, to puppy dogs tails....'

"I told you not to touch it. I should've used your language and told you not to click on it."

'Feel free to get a second opinion. I can give you the number to my mom.'

"Grandmom told me "the way to a man's heart is through his stomach." I told her that has medical malpractice written all over it!"

'I'm going to bed...whatever...'

'He never listened to his mother!'

"And you call yourself a marsupial?"

'I've fallen in love and i've fallen in porage and believe me: porage is better.'

'Oh, we don't actually teach math any more ? we found it was too hard on the kids' self-esteem.'

"Your inability to turn off your critical voice, combined with your fear of disappointing your overbearing, demanding father, is causing you to lose faith in your fastball."

Wow, you're right! Your mom's regurgitated worms are way better than my mom's!

"Go ask your mother."

"Do you provide any coupons that would allow me one free lie? It would help ease my conscience."

A Victorian park.

"And I suppose if your friends all jumped off a cliff you'd follow right along?"

"Don't make me come over there."

"Of course, you've always set a good example for me ... that's why you embarrass me so much."

'I don't mind them, but I would like to see my daughter getting married to one of them!'

"If it's important to you, Jessica. It's important to daddy, but I don't think it's important to you."

"They grow so fast. In my day, you didn't become morbidly obese until adulthood."

'It's making me happy.'

"Mother, I get enough pressure from my peer group without getting it from you."

‘Sat too close to the TV;’ ‘Stared at the Sun For an Hour,’ ‘Put Out My Eye With a BB Gun.’

$200,000 to raise a kid in America! Do you regret the expense? Of course not, sweetie! You're worth every cent. That's a relief. Because I need $20 for the movies!

"Mom, my student loans are so high, I was wondering if I could start doing chores again for an allowance."

"No thanks! My dad said those things will kill you!"

"Oi you two! What going on in here?"

"I don't have a story, Tommy. I can offer a retrospective of your day, followed by a deep-dive to identify opportunities for improvement."

'Careful Darling, my mum always said 'beware of strangers bearing gifts'...'