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'Your phone isn't wireless, Dad. I found some wires in it right here.'

"Frankly, now that he's an obnoxious teenager, I find it more and more difficult to muster the urge to protect him..."

"Well, I'm thinking about boarding school. Though I'm not sure they accept adults."

"Will you be putting her in day care or bringing her up artisanally?"

'When do they learn to stand upright?'

'If Mom says no, you ask Dad -- it's called the 'checks and balances' system.'

"I told you not to touch it. I should've used your language and told you not to click on it."

"The time has come to talk of many things; of shoes and ships and sealing wax, of double-entry bookkeeping, too."

"And you call yourself a marsupial?"

"Seventy-seven. How about yours."

'I've fallen in love and i've fallen in porage and believe me: porage is better.'

Going into the relationship, Tom knew Loretta was a package deal.

"When can I redeploy?"

"It's quiet in here. I suppose it's off the popular tourist route!"

"It's your job to work hard and get good grades, David. It's my job to make your mother laugh."

'I know Jesus spoke in parables. Now for the last time, tell me exactly where you put my car keys.'

'My kids don't understand me.'

'Oh, we don't actually teach math any more ? we found it was too hard on the kids' self-esteem.'

'I do set limits. For example, he wasn't allowed to use the tablet computer until after he downloaded a potty training app.'

"Remember - kindergarten is an excellent opportunity to make connections for first grade."

'When mom went to work for us, did you ask for references?'

"My dad put in a new security system."

'If Mom says no, you ask Dad -- it's called the 'checks and balances' system.'

"Other than being sent to the principal's office, my detention, and three day suspension, school was good."

'He was raised by sparrows!'

'What a coincidence....that's my mum's name to!'

"We want one that's genetically gifted but not genetically spoiled."

"Is it wrong to be evasive and not answer questions?"

"What's it like to be the parent of a nonhuman?"

'Looks like Timmy got solitary.'

"I've got him on vibrate."

'My mom just explained babies to me. I'm not sure, but I think I'm a bird and you're a bee.'