Parenthood Journeyer Pillows

"We discussed a lot of options but decided on a water birth."

"Your nanny is paid to be patient with you."

'Hi hon! How's the little monster?'

Baby pram as a tank

'Congratulations! You've just downloaded a baby boy.'

"It's so nice to finally put a face to the name."

"I thought it would be nice if we had a forum where we could get together and have screaming tantrums."

"Sorry, that was just the wet diaper talking."

"Were we expecting a baby?"

'And when your mother said that you would never be an Olympic gymnast, how did that make you feel?'

The Impractical Guide to having a baby.

'Hey Kiddo, I think we'll have to stop to change your nappy...'

'Hey Mum, look what I caught!'

"Funny, I don't remember signing up for this."

'They're just adorable at this age - before they develop a personality.'

'Mom says she has a souffl

"My inner child feels threatened by my inner baby."

"I'll probably die an old woman before I get that bedtime story."

'And you're sure you handed the baby to me?'

'How many fingers do you see?'

'This is not fair, mom. . . none of my friends is forced to hibernate before December.'

'You're due in September, however, since you're not mentally ready, let's make it October!'

'He's more supportive after his nap.'

Preparing for a new arrival

"The main skill you need in parenting, is the ability to surreptitiously eat chocolate."

"Really? After all these years of you begging me to let you come and howl at the moon, now that you're a teenager, it's not cool to be seen with your dad!"

"I needed a gig to tide me over between baby booms."

Woman Window Shops For A Baby Book

"We're looking forward to this little bundle of joy bringing out the worst in each of us."

"Weeds are like kids. They grow up so fast."

'Male, 38, still living with his parents. They asked us to keep him overnight, so they could change the locks.'

'We've never had an accident - aside from three of our five kids.'

IVF assessment centre.